Lately (talking about my feelings during April) my brain is in a bit of deadlock when I have accumulated too much unfinished personal business for months, and I can't decide the priority of what is actually important or in what order things need to be done. I had hoped I could start in May fresh with a clear head if I could finish tasks on that list of what is bothering the most at current. As you might predict from my wording, I made no dent at all. 😓
It should be noted that a DevLog that is published right now has parts that are written at an earlier time (usually a week or longer ago), as I tend to continue expanding it during the weekends. This should explain the disjointedness that events are written all over the place that it's both 'current' and 'in the past', and I'm trying my best with editing. 🫠
As for in May right now, I reprioritised and the things that I felt had to be done before May are pushed away to a further time. To be fair these are not necessarily the most important/urgent tasks, but mere annoyances stemming from the fact I postponed them multiple times already.
The really short take-away from this post is that I plan to take another social media break and it's unknown when I will log in back again. To present it metaphorically: In my entire life it feels as if I'm running after a train which I keep on missing to board, while everyone else has; and therefore they are far further in their life or at the very least manage to achieve their goals. It sounds depressing but I'm relatively 'content' the last few years compared to the timespan of 10 years before that. Perhaps with the break I can perform a full jog to catch up for a tiny bit, or it's just a long rest to recover energy, who knows. 😆 It doesn't help that my energy levels are not consistent. Sometimes I'm drained by the end of the week when the dayjob is frustrating, at other times I can manage it fairly well. It's probably far worse recently and I guess it's from not sleeping well from general work stress, that I'm too tired and then doze off which then mess up entire schedule for days.
I don't know if it's relatable but I never get the hang of using social media. It feels as I have nothing meaningful to post - I don't mean that I run out of personal content - but rather that it always feel a bit uncomfortable that my posts are drawing away attention from way more important news being shared around about things happening in the world. So I rather write this single blog post that covers an announcement for the entirety of 2024 and then pin a link to this post on my social media accounts. I'd say my main hub has always been this site, also when it comes to interacting with other devs, such as rating the games I've played. Though with that, I find myself slipping away from managing time to play visual novels on my backlog as I always need to find a relaxing timeslot to pay proper attention.
Towards the devs reading this, keep on rocking, you have my support even though I'm not always audible about it. Hopefully I can do a big catch-up around the last quarter of this year. The reoccurring jams that have biggest overlap with my main interests are O2A2, Otome/Josei, and Spooktober. I also bookmark queer jam pages, although I don't always seek out these submissions specifically when a lot of OELVNs already feature LGBTQIA+ content and then I tend to filter on devs I recognise.
Before I go into the paragraphs of what I might be cooking for the remaining 2024, I want to also take this spot to thank everyone who have supported me. Thank you for taking interest to my games to the point of playing them through the end! 💖 There is no worse critic than yours truly (I'm only harsh to myself though, lmao) and it's a bit cruel if I'm stuck with myself when I'm always negative about my own work. Sometimes I doubt whether the download and play counts are not simply from misclicks, haha, or it doesn't always register when people leave positive comments, but I can guarantee that your kindness is definitely not unnoticed. 👍
It's a bit counter-intuitive that I first talk about rest and then I talk about VN development right after it. It's no secret that I'm a bit bummed out that I went through an entire year without releasing a new VN. Last year I participated in the O2A2 VN Jams in April and July, which technically speaking aren't even that long time ago. It's the matter of monkey brain wanting to show shiny new games with higher production values as I do dab a bit with Ren'Py during downtimes. I definitely don't overwork when it comes to hobbies, and I've taken into account that I'm targeting small scopes for longer-duration jams, so I'm probably already making it sound bigger than it is.
So with the announcement of "Mythology VN Jam" (see details of jam further down), I knew for definite that the otome project would be put back in the freezer. This is perfectly reasonable since I'm not actively working on it. The probably most apt description for that project is that it's like a poltergeist haunting me like all the fanfics I will never write. That many character interaction scenes or just random trivia about OCs passively come to me in the form of daydreams, but nothing that has to do with the plot? And since I don't write anything down - because the moment I open up a document my head simply becomes empty - then it's already gone to waste because I can't even use these for a hypothetical future scene if the plot somehow moves to that point.
I admit that there are many times I started to type about the misgivings of the otome project with microfocus on the specifics that are particular for my own project, and then decidedly delete these paragraphs again. I find it easier to talk about it when I talk about these sentiments in a broader sense, so with that attitude I made another attempt. Eventually I decided to postpone the whole shebang for a separate DevLog in the future, because I didn't shut up and then it went on and on... until I realised that my DevLog will never move on to the next topic. 😩
I still haven't settled on a title for the otome project that stuck, or a codename to refer to it, but more info can be found in this DevLog [link]. On Twitter I've shown only 2 doodles of the same love interest, should be on the top of my account timeline since I don't post that often. Depending on my mood I may make a separate DevLog when I've got a bigger collection of character sketches I'm willing to show. Such as I started with the MC herself and slight redesign of the fallen angel LI, because I adore angels so I was super motivated at first (I tried to find my old sketch of him from 15+ years ago that was drawn with pencil on paper, lol, but to no avail), but I'm planning to redraw them anyway. 🙄
The truth about the "Mythology VN Jam" is that I was hyperfixated about my VN idea for only a single day, and I hadn't thought about it ever since, oh no! 😱 The stubborn annoying thing about the otome project is that the moment it became the forbidden subject, the frequency of brainstorming quadrupled for no good reason. Seriously, it's always the case that you keep on wanting to do that one thing you're not supposed to!
Fast-forward to the announcement of "Worst Visual Nover Ever" Challenge which initially was not in my radar at all... and... I have something concrete for it? I'm confident I can make it because I'm going to dial down my expectations entirely.
So around April Fool's Day I was playing with the idea of a non-related teaser of the otome project that features the MC and LIs in a different setting. That you only make a video mocking up a fakegame, although realistically I don't have the motivation for such thing, so it would never happen. I was thinking of a "Final Fantasy 6" battle parody, perhaps then I could even do a bit of pixelart (am I good at it? NOPE! I do have some examples, like the 2D platformer prototype I made in Unity that can be found on my itch.io page)
It's a cheeky way to reflect that the otome cast is a bunch of losers, useless jobbers, all of them. 🥹 By natural progression I quickly settled on that MC is the typical weak heroine and the guys mostly unreliable in a fight. I'd say the fallen angel LI is either stupidly OP or underwhelming, no in-between.
Around that time, I've also been lurking on otome subreddits that focus on Japanese commercial otomes, and there are always a few guilty pleasure tropes that make you go: yup, that's an otome alright 🤭:
- Totally random decisions that lead to MC's death, or some dead ends are quite hilarious that you can't even hate them.
I learned my lesson of saving at every single decision point. 😅 Perhaps it's very on-brand that Sasazuka in "Collar x Malice" somehow turned out to be my first route while I don't like tsunderes who constantly insult MC's intelligence 😫, so I completely failed the Trust Meter to progress to chapter 3 (or was it 4?), and I entirely redid the intro questionnaire to get a different LI when I had to restart anyway.
- (Not necessarily related to the first) When LIs gallantly swoop in to save her and you get a pretty cool CG art for it.
OK, these are legit nice and makes me wish I were a better artist because I would be drawing action poses all day. 😇
Mind you, I'm not calling this VN bad because it's parodying the dramatic life-or-death situations in otomes, but it will be on the obnoxious side for having unskippable QTEs/mini-games that might lean on the difficult side and will piss off your inner completionist (...unless you're that type of person who doesn't care about the stamp of approval for completing every single achievement without cheating 😭).
In the end I doubt it's actually going to be bad-bad to be labelled THE WORST VN EVER, but there's something nice about not having to worry whether the writing is good, whether the art is polished enough, or whatever would give you pressure normally. Albeit with simplistic doodles... I may accidentally make them too cute which kind of beats the point, hmmm. I am however going to put in coding efforts for extra shitty UI decisions so that the VN can live up to its name that it's actually horrid game design. I wonder if I should add/leave in a few bugs on purpose. 🤔
By twist of events this jam aligns with Otome VN Jam [link] and Josei VN Jam [link]. Although even with a new build with redone art assets, accessible mini-games and functional UI, I'm not sure I can make a decent VN out of it that can be submitted to these jams. Games that are too short are frowned upon when it's not the appropriate jam for it. Also fans of the genre come in with expectations of fleshed out romance and then I put them through an underdeveloped nonsense story.
Even if I sound super hyped to develop this VN, there is also a bit of bittersweetness to it, because it feels like the final send-off for the otome project as I have actual little faith that the main game will ever be made. I've already made peace with myself that it's enough that I'm having fun with brainstorming about the characters and world and that I post an occasional drawing without turning it into an actual VN. The real reasons are described in the DevLog I just cut out from this one, so yeah, I'll elaborate next time...
Title: "The Ladder of Death" 🪜💀
I fleshed out a premise and scope for "Mythology VN Jam" when the jam was announced. I had even instantly settled on a title on the same day! This happened fairly quickly because during "Once Upon A Time VN Jam" [link] from last year by the same hosts, which was fairytale focused, I had several ideas where one I especially shot down quickly because it's stronger tied to folktale/mythology.
If I go through with it, it will be the largest VN I released so far as I'm targeting a story script of roughly 10K+ words. I really want to finish it completely and not publish it in demo state, but demo is always plan B when things don't go well. 😅 As of now, I feel quite strongly about the gimmick for the project's story structure I came up, it's this or nothing. Gimmicks usually help me keep focus, because then I try to tackle a writing challenge piece by piece, instead of having too much freedom freestyling towards no clear targets. So the gimmick is:
Story told in reverse, multiple paths converging to that point that is shown at the start of VN (which we all know is the fate of said character), so VN choice branches actually lead to an earlier point in said character's life all the way back to a possible childhood.
Unfortunately, this is the type of VN that it's difficult to cut up at a satisfying spot for a demo. It most likely only consists of the intro that only sets the mood and shows you almost nothing; as the moment I show more, I can barely re-edit the story branches to go in different directions. I think the gimmick fits best for this jam, as narratively, ancient tales always have multiple lore depictions of a titular character, and I've always been interested to write a story with 'Rashomon Effect' taking place.
The reason why I haven't mentioned the title yet is because then it sort of confirms that I need to be writing about a specific character. In the actual story, I don't believe the character's past is even a footnote or something that is deemed important, so it's not that readers really sit around wondering why she's the few demons who was originally a human. Be warned that my reasons for picking characters are quite arbitrarily: when you got a villainess that has goth aesthetics... that already is sufficient to make me care.
The main issue is that all my knowledge about the character and folklore/myth is comes from pop culture since I never read the original book (or at the very least a translation in a language I can understand). 🙃 When it's not written in a Western language, it's more difficult to get the exact vibe and humour down in English. For cultural accuracy's sake the bare minimum is to do prior research to establish what the wring ought to be like and I'd like to investigate the fiction that are tied to that very specific genre. Originally I wanted to use May as the literature study month and use the jam period for actual VN dev, but that slot is already occupied by the "Worst VN Jam" that slipped just in front of it. What's with me for never picking a topic I can just sit down and immediately write? 😑
With my motivation waning for this jam, I fear that it's not actually caused by the sudden appearance of the other jam, but rather that the challenge is too great that I feel obliged to do research first and that's always been a core struggle for me because then I spend too much time on that while it still doesn't help my confidence that I can write the myth faithfully.
Title: "I saw it in the rain" 🌧️
I don't know if O2A2 Jam returns this year. This time I don't have vacation in July, so it has to be of extra small scope and I've already accepted that it's not going to be the type of personal passion project that would make me feel sad if the story isn't written well. It's not going to have a lot of emphasis on art, while it will be the experimental type of game, because I miss doing a bit of Ren'Py coding. But the latter craving is already covered by the Worst VN Ever Jam, so perhaps it makes more sense to skip this one?
Two of these jams also coincide with the busiest times for me in this year because I need to be travelling multiple times in this period at separate occasions. One is maybe not so much a mandatory when it's just a vacation, and that is supposed to be relaxing, but I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive when I signed up for an activity that is a new situation for me. At least that's not anytime soon, so I'm not even thinking about it right now. I'm more that type of person who is mechanically continuing the routine of work, hobby (if we're talking about time reserved for VN dev? 90% procrastination, 10% actual tasks. Eh, does reading random articles for world-building and lore count as working?), sleep, rinse and repeat - poorly aware of the calendar and then suddenly realise: 'Oh no, it's that month already!'
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