Today 4 years ago I started my "journey" as a Vtuber playing a little game called "Veiled", it was supposed to be a one time thing and just for the heck of it but I actually ended up having fun, even if it was a totally cringe video recorded at midnight with a webcam microphone from 2004 and a poorly done PNG "model".

Back then I was at a point in my life where I have just lost everything (metaphorically but a little literal too) Even if by my own volition I had no friends, had just lost my job and had to return to my parents house while recovering from an illness, had spent the last 3 years chasing my game developing dream that after about 5 games (Not available anymore) that I was very proud of but were ultimately commercially unsuccessful and actually ended up costing me money, I decided to give up, and I am the only one to blame for that.

I had always been attracted to virtual life, probably spent 80% of my life in front of a PC screen and I pretty much prefer it as a way of communicating with other people, I am a hikikomori after all so, with not a lot to my name I got a couple of part time jobs and decided to just make videos about indie games,  if I could not find success as a dev, may as well help others attain it right? This has been a learning experience all the way trough, I never recorded a video or reviewed anything before, much less talked to people willingly, I almost never speak at all IRL so I had to learn to express myself, edit videos, draw, learn how streaming works and constantly push my very limited comfort zone forward.

I would love to be writing a success story but all of that was most certainly not for success, sometimes I feel I am in the same spot I started, just older, with worse health and with somehow less money, actually I think I am moving backwards with all of this, I would be lying if I say I didn't want to give up multiple times, this has been frustrating, infuriating, at times it made me hate the success of other people and just generally lose all hope, anyone in their right mind would just drop this I know, most Vtubers don't even last 4 years regardless of success why the most unsuccessful one would even continue?

Well, after 4 years, about 10 iterations of my Vtuber model, more than 1.200 videos, the fact that I actually started making games again, drawing and even animating and a bunch of other nonsense, and even when this post started with me giving up I can say that, funny enough, I am not one to give up or be defeated (Yeah I am surprised too) so, to finish this in a positive note since this is supposed to be a celebration, I want to mention a few things I did find walking this path.

Even when 90% (Yes I did the numbers) of devs don't subscribe, comment, like or even answer my comments in their games I did manage to meet some very interesting, and most importantly nice devs/artists in here, I am in fact very grateful for their support, be it big and undying or small and occasional  (They are busy people!) I somehow even manage to voice act for a game? Well that was unexpected and I totally failed at it, but it was nice; People had made fanart of me (This is my favorite thing), I even made a discord server (twice) and some people joined, I have regular viewers in my streams, like 3 but that is 3 more than zero!

I even started playing games, watching movies/anime again and just generally enjoying life, I had been in a very grey spot in my life for the longest time, I am used to the dark void, it is my friend, but grey? It just siphons the meaning out of everything and makes you live in a meaningless loop.

The most important thing is, I now wake up with a sense of purpose, I really want to make something out of all this effort, I want to support people the way I wish I was supported, I want to create wonderful videos, games and whatnot and share it with people that also make amazing things; I don't really care about fame or being remembered but I just wish for what I do in this world to make a positive impact in peoples life and hopefully in the end I did more good than bad, and if it can help me afford food and care for my dogs while I am at it, well, that would be nice.

If you are one of those 3 people that read all this to the end, or just skipped to the last paragraph, well, thank you for reading, and thank you for any kind of support you send my way.

TL;DR: I was sad, poor and unsuccessful, now I am even more poor and unsuccessful but somehow less sad and I cannot be stopped (believe me, I tried).