quite some things have happened in 2024, to list a few of them:

• i finished my second university degree and am finally free. finishing art university has been actually really good for my mental health, even if it may not seem so at first glance, 10/10 can recommend. if u need a sign to drop out of art school and marry me and make your own art, consider this your sign!!! also: german bürger*innengeld is 10/10 can recommend fr fr fr!!! chillig af!!! fritze merz erzählt tünkram!!! in 2025 tho it might change again, the insecurities remain, conservatives and fascists are attacking us unemployed people, and with friedrich merz (or worse) on the horizon the future does not look bright. and still, i am quite worried that my life is “over” now, and that i am living in my shadow existence and that nothing good will happen again.
• after being fed-up with waiting for the german literature scene for more than 5 years, i have founded my own *publishing as a publisher for my (german) writing/books. in 2024 i have published 5 books, one of them being my mfa thesis, which is less than what i was planning, but more than every literature teacher of mine did in the last decade lol.
• i published a total of 14 projects this year, which is 3 more than last year. half of them were published after finishing my degree in september, so one really sees that the best thing one can give artists is time to actually do their things.
• i have continued my “looksmaxxing” / queer glow-up journey 😍
• due to social isolation & being insulted etc, i continued my 2019+ weaponized radicalization journey too & had even more violent & su!c!dal thoughts 😍 :((( // special shoutout to professor triggering some of the worst intrusive thoughts ever, i love people toying around with OCDers 😍
• unfortunately, during 2023 and 2024 my depression worsened from a high-functioning one that i’ve had for mostly all my life to a state that feels more like how people usually describe depression, really having a major negative impact on my motivation, energy, executive functioning etc.
• YOU ATE, GYRRRLLLL!!! YOU DIDN'T SKIP EATING FOR MORE THAN 24 HOURS!!!
• i also seem to have developed a strange obsession for cats.

this year also brought in an interesting update to one of the important questions in germany of the 1970s, but now on an international level: if the baader-meinhof group luigi n. mangione knocked on your door, would you shelter them?

in past centuries, artists might have been rediscovered after their death, but in our century, they just get buried and forgotten under all the stuff online. and i think that’s existentially terrifying.

i find myself afraid of disappointing people with doing a thing just once, and then never following up on that. an audience expecting a certain aesthetic/method/format from me, that i simply do not want to fulfill. expectations are horrific and toxic for real art. i have written about my future plans more in-depth in my great great book Men, I said and sighed: for now, i intend to keep working on my long long list of little games, they MUST be done first. if this takes to long to complete in a lifetime or sth, then i might hire people via fiverr to help me or host a game jam or even consider finishing my canon of little games with AI generation. before i don't have the biggest & bestest Œuvre of the entire 21st century (which of course the voices in my head & the OCPD rules for good art™ are very aggressively demanding in every waking moment of my life ahhh ahhh aaahhh) i cannot k!ll myself, see this as a threat to my haters!!! 💅

i have folder with lists of more than 200 games, 200 stage plays, hundreds of essays etc. it is very overwhelming to plan/calculate, & might exceed my lifetime, but a goal for 2025 would be to come up with a method to compress these things together in order to start my actual work & become not just the random NPC that people look down upon and bully and smile like they do with all dis_abled people, but to actually become the most important artist of the 21st century not just to me secretly in my delulu brain & that people never look down on me/ridicule me ever again. very humble & realistic goals, i know.

i started working on my stuff when i was around 12 years old and never stopped. OCPD means that your to-do-list just endlessly keeps growing. since october i am for the very first time in my life free of any external clutter. this is the situation i've always dreamed of since being a little boi, but as a gærl that is 1/4 century old, it doesn't really feel like my dream came true now, especially after being utterly destroyed by art schools. i will further elaborate on that in my upcoming "fireplace game" that i've done quite some thought collecting for already over the last months & that will hopefully be available at the beginning of 2025, but i can say that any reality is kind of bitter and messy.

my focus for 2025 will be working on/delivering everything that i've teased so far. including two christmas games, my minidramen, finally continuing my 360-video essay journey, etc!!! the future is now!!!

also deleting my previous sh!tty template-websites & creating some from scratch that actually suit me & my vibe today, similar to the vibe of my itch.io page which is more fitting!!! big thing, especially since i have next to no expertise about web stuff, but yeah, 100% necessary.

moreover, i want to focus more on my german writing & get back into it, into new stuff, despite having mostly cut all ties to any “community” that i (n)ever had there. tbh, i am still in my long phase of mourning & grieving over my lost future as an author that has been denied to me by an ableist & politically conservative system.

since i consider networking in the arts & in academia to be inherently ableist & problematic (as it of course obviously fakes art history, artifically contributes to the formation of a canon & always alienates & excludes me & people like me, etc.), i will continue my practice of anti-networking in 2025. this could be a whole year without even being around people for the most part, definitely interesting, probably quite bad for my mental health lol, but i am certain that it will have the desired effect of purification on my art, and the future will thank me for my service.

having studied at one of the most elite universities for creative writing in the D-A-CH region, it feels bad to have your former non-dis_abled peers move into the territory of getting the awards, getting the book publisher contracts & getting their wikipedia entries, while you are yet again lacking behind & probably will forever – the only area in life that you always thought you were good at, but still apparently turns out you are also bad at that. being the dis_abled weirdo kid that never had support and that people were always making fun of, it certainly is a hard and terrifying reality. they had their normal teen experiences, they had their sex experiences, they had their joy experiences, their friendship experiences, their love experiences, their party experiences, their community experiences, their... – despite never having had all those, you still have to move on. people with social skills win in society instead of us people who put in the actual work and do the good things, it deeply sucks, but we cannot change that. get in, fellow loser, we are going into 2025!!! we keep embracing the big big sad & the big big feeling of complete alienating towards society & anything human, fuck yeah!!!

all of my previous work is bad, now starting in 2025/2026 i want to start with my ACTUAL work THANK GÖD* – i do not want to be that old OCPDer publishing only one artwork ever at 80 years old being totally attention-starved & having 100s of su!c!de attempts behind me, and feeling bad everyday for all my life. i do feel bad, unworthy, minderwertig everyday for all my life lol, but at least I am publishing things that indicate that I am still alive!!! whooo yeah!!!

ZWISCHEN DEN ZERBERSTENDEN KRISTALLINIEN ZEICHNET SICH AB,

SCHATTIG ÜBER DAS NARBENGEBIET IM WACHSTUM:

NACHRICHT AUS DEM WIDERSTAND

DEUTSCHLANDS NEOLIBERALES KULTUR-TERROR-DIKTAT WILL UNS BE_HINDERTE MENSCHEN IN MINDERWERTIGER LOHNARBEIT UND WERKSTÄTTEN KLEINHALTEN UND RAUSHALTEN UND IRRELEVANT HALTEN. SIE WOLLEN UNS VERSCHWINDEN SEHEN, WENN NICHT IM GAS DANN ZUMINDEST HINTER DER BILDFLÄCHE UND NUR ZU IHREN BEDINGUNGEN UND NUR WENN SIE ÜBER UNS LACHEN KÖNNEN. ES WIRD IHNEN NICHT GELINGEN. DIE MATTSCHEIBE IST JETZT, DIE MATTSCHEIBE IST AN. WIR WIDERSTEHEN DEN TÖDLICHEN MEISTER*INNEN AUS DEUTSCHLAND.

i have learnt yet another time that this era of capitalism silences genuine art, and instead favors controversy, shock and drama. so, as a silly lil side quest, i will start giving them exactly that. if i won't be known for my art nor my writing, i will at least be known for terrorizing old & mean people until they quit academia & the art world, and finally give space to the actually good artists that they have rejected for decades, and i sincerely hope that they will burn in hell & suffer the same amount of pain they caused in others. operation "der echte gegenliteraturbetrieb" startet beep beep bop usw

* * *

if i would have to write down one wish for 2025, it would be that we people with mental illnesses and personality disorders become equal in society, and not looked down upon, put on TV for entertainment purposes (especially fellow hoarders), and that people highlight our own voices and talk with us instead of talking about us as deviants, creeps, "red flags" and dangers (especially true for narcissist personality disorder). we all know that this wish won't come true, but a wish is a wish. i would like to explicitly send love to people with personality disorders who have reached a state of self-awareness but still cannot act against themselves, i know that it feels like horror movie nightmare fuel. also special love goes out to people with paranoid personality disorder <3

i also wish all mentally dis_abled people a very nice year!!!

here is to twanini-twanti-fivoli! art people & academics probably won't overcome their ableism, but i will still have all my fingers crossed for them! (also not cause they uglyyyy)

in 2025 i want to try doing something that i never ever did before in my life as a person who grew up with a very rigid and very controlling parent: i want to radically prioritize myself, i want to actively say NO to people when things are harmful to me, instead of being agreeable and silently suffering.

i was stressing myself a lot with not doing enough this year, so that i became overwhelmed-paralyzed over it, especially during the last 2 months (happens every couple of days to me 😍) & depresso & did even less. right now i am still working on my german comedy horror game, my visual poetry book "ist dies mikrowellierbar?", my digital fluxkit & my poetic book "HOMO SEXUELLE FORTPFLANZUNG" that were all scheduled for this year. especially for the fluxkit it is a pity, because i noted a release in 2024 for it in my MFA thesis. but OMG i realised that according to numbers nobody read that anyways 😍😍😍 ohhhh, i am so glad about it, it means nobody noticed!!! how great!!! and omg time is not real!!! 😍 new year is an artificial random day!!! this means that i can just continue things tomorrow and not worry about losing time or disappointing every single person on planet earth 😍😍😍

⭐⭐⭐keep bringing back a personal & artistic vibe to the corporate, boring, clean, product-oriented and dead internet of today, folks!!!⭐⭐⭐

wow! thank you for reading all that! 😍 here is a cool plutonium fun fact for u: the melting point of plutonium is 912.5 K. comment "I CLAIM PLUTO BEFORE ELON STEALS IT 😍💕🔥💅🧚" before elon publishes his next opinion piece in support of the AfD to win a brick of plutonium as a chewie 😍 in case you have a (gay best) friend, you are allowed to share this post and one (1) game of mine with your (gay best) friend 😍 wow! so many games to chose from! and even more to come!!! see you next year ✨on the wide world of web✨!!! happy 1999 celebrations and a happy new century to your auntcle*!!!