Hello all!

I feel like it's been a while since I've given any updates. And there is a reason for that! I'd just like to take a moment to explain a little bit of what's been happening. While some of it is personal, I'd like to be transparent so everyone can know what's going on and what will happen in the future.

To start off, I am okay for now. Things are incredibly tough and I am struggling a lot. But I am pushing through. So don't worry too much! I also want to note that I am not looking for pity, I just want to give reasons why content has been slow. I have been struggling with three main things: real life, mental health, and general creativity. I will go through each of these and explain how they all connect and why everything is a little slow.

Real Life:

Real life can suck. As much as I want to disappear into writing and pump out a bunch of work, it isn't possible. Currently, real life is slowing me down. I'm working on getting my associate's degree, getting a license (fear of driving!), and finding a steady job. Not only that, I have to deal with health issues (insomnia, diet, etc.). It can all pile up to be a lot.

School is going well, but it is stressful knowing that I'm (semi) close to graduating. I am taking three classes currently, all of which will help me in some capacity. While it is stressful, it's a good stimulant. There have been other factors that I'll talk about later that have been hindering my process, but school is fun!

Finding a job is where the true stress is at. I'm going to be 100% honest and say that commissions are not coming in. I get a $15 commission about once every three months. All the writing jobs I've applied to have gone nowhere. I have no jobs locally that I can apply to due to distance or that I am disabled with a bad back. I haven't had a steady income since 2022. I have gotten to the point where I would do anything for a job. I am truly desperate and I think that's affecting how I write and how often I put things out. It's a lot of constant job applications and constant rejections. It can really hurt a person, you know?

So yes, real life has been kicking my ass. 

Mental Health:

Everyone struggles with mental health. What I've noticed in the game dev community and in the creative community itself is that we all struggle and vent our struggles through our work. That worked for a little while. Until things got bad. 

I currently struggle with really aggressive and intense anxiety. It has affected my relationships and my ability to leave the house. Luckily, I have the most wonderful therapist and she's helped me a lot! I have recently gone on medication as well. Unfortunately for me, while the medication has helped my anxiety, it has absolutely destroyed my concentration. It's like my brain absolutely refuses to concentrate. 

This, coupled with real life, has made working and even getting up strenuous. I am working to fix it and find a solution. And I will admit, it's getting hard to keep the motivation up. But hopefully things will get better!

General Creativity:

This all comes to a head and hurts my creativity.  I'm usually the type of person who can make a story and completely immerse myself in it. But recently, it's like my body refuses to write even one single word. With the reasons above, there are also some things that I think have made it more difficult.

I have been in the game dev community for over a year. I have met a lot of people. A majority of them are amazing. But it is so difficult to work with others. I have led over three game dev teams. I try my best to be accommodating and understanding. But the constant ghosting, pushing things back, having to cut out content that could've made it in game... It's frustrating. I get angry at myself and disappointed in others. I have found myself becoming more and more resentful when working in teams. It's getting hard for me to trust people on game jams. I've had the thought of "unless I pay people, they will not put their best forward." And realizing how unfair that is to everyone, it's forced me to step back.

Not only that, but there have been other incidents that have made me want to focus on my own creativity. I won't really go into details, but I find that staying in my own creative space will help me mentally. Finding those that are passionate about the same things I am. Encouraging others, myself, and not judging. Fostering a space that is inclusive and where people aren't mean spirited. 

While I have been having doubts about my creativity and skills in general, I'm glad I'm in an encouraging space where I can feel bad but others have faith in me. And that's something I can keep my head up about.

So What Now?

What now indeed... I still have a lot for you guys. Three more The Villainess Just Wants to Eat!! Afterstories, one game, and some fanfic series. I also have Youtube and streaming that I'll be trying to work on. To be clear, it will take some time. I want to get everything out as soon as possible. At the moment, I just can't. And for that, I apologize. 

I'm hoping everything will look up in the coming month. But until then, I wish for everyone to have some patience. 

Thank you all,

Syd