I love making gam,es. It helps me sleep to let out all this intellectual creativity.  In the background of my life though, there's things I've used viedeogames to ignore. My finances never really got to a point where I had a place to fully call my own. I had to move back in with my dad a few years ago to help support my disabled sister. She wasn't able to move in for a few reasons that I won't go into. But now I'm having to face what I've been putting off and admit what I was terrified of admitting: my dad is coming down with alzheimer's disease. 

It runs in our family and he's had to watch his grandpa and his dad go throguh it. Watching my grandpa pass away like that was...it's one of the worst experiences you can see. This gets complciated because I have nowhere else to go and my dad has a lot of firearms. He also has PTSD from some cult shit. So the idea of him coming downstairs with a gun and forgetting who I am is a very real threat. And yet...I have nowhere to go and I can't leave him alone. It started off with small things that could easily be blamed on anxiety and depression. It's slowly evolved into bouts of being irrational. Due to his fear of AD and his former indoctrination, he refuses to see his major weaknesses and eventually I'll have to cross that line of putting him somewhere he won't like. All this while having to deal with the anxiety of every time I hear footsteps coming downstairs could mnea  avariety of things. I've tried to just ignore it and keep moving forward but today was a strange wakeup call. 

Our fridge stopped working and I started setting my food out in the garage (in containers) because it's almost freezing out there. He keeps putting it back in the fridge wher eit's basically room temperture. I kept reminding him over and over that putting it in the fridge is pointless. He agrees with me on all points and keeps giving me kudos..over and over, for thinknig to put stuff in the garage...but keeps putting my stuff back. When I ask him why he keeps doing it, he doesn't have an answer. Instead of using his money to fix the fridge, he keeps buying more guns and ammo, his coping mechanism. He has over 10k rounds of varying calibers he keeps piled in his closet. Whenever he gets scared and things happen he can't control, he buys more guns and gear. 

I...I don't know what the fuck to do. I've been through some horrible fucking shit but it's always been "me versus some asshole gangbanger". It's always been pure survival, me versus them, they made a choice, I make a counter-choich. But this...I don't know how to dela with this so I do what I always do: I write it out. At the very least, I'm venting. 

I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few years, but I want to state for the record that my dad has and always be an amazing man, even if my worst fears happens to me. He's hd a rough life and has done everything in his power to give me anything he can. My family has a long, legendary history of being generous, despite us having plenty of suffering. From cults to Nazis, life has thrown everything it has at us and we always try to rise above it. I might add more to this later but right now I'm just starting to have a bit of a breakdown. 

Thank you for listening.