I'm not familiar with Haru Mizuki at all, so I'm definitely not what this game is for. As a VN, the writing is probably about as verbose as can be expected, but as a game with gameplay I do wish it could be trimmed down a little. For a fan game, I guess the story doesn't really need to make all that much sense as long as you're appealing to your target audience of other fans, so even if it's cliched or nonsensical I think that's fine as long as you stay somewhat consistent with it.
That being said, I couldn't really come up with any specific traits about Haru's character from the game itself. So far, I don't feel like you've really been able to capture the personality or branding of your VTuber; the character seems rather generic in how he's reacting to things and what he does. Maybe feeding him is something relevant to his character, but that's about it. Perhaps it's just that as a smaller VTuber, he doesn't have the same level of branding as some of the bigger ones out there, but I'm sure there's some more inside jokes and references you can put into the story for other fans to enjoy.
I got stuck off-screen in the maze part and couldn't continue; seems like I managed to enter the screen below where the bottom tree line is? This was after I went up into the wrong part and got sent back to the start, right at the top of the first room, and immediately walked up back to the axe room because I was holding down the up key.
Making a fangame is a weird fence to walk on - I don't want to include too many inside jokes or else it'll be offputting to others, but at the same time, the fans should enjoy it. I have yet to find the right balance between including these things but not having people feel left out.
Your feedback is highly appreciated and helps me understand the writing from an outsider's point of view much better!
Apologies for the camera bug - it's definitely getting some tweaking in future iterations.
I have something to add aside from what I've said on stream - I feel like right now the writing is a bit too cliche. Maybe that is your intention, but most of the "plot twists" are kinda obvious - the fairy obviously is leading you into a trap, Strauss is obviously an evil vampire, scared woman obviously hides something/knows something. I dunno if you're planning to subvert those tropes later down the line, but if not - it may become boring story-wise.
It's been eye opening getting opinions from other people on the story that aren't in the fangame's target audience. The tropes feel fine in the context of the limited audience, but adding more dimensions to the cast can elevate it above a fangame. I'll revisit some of the ideas, thank you so much!
I don't think this is a useful Line if you want People to identify themselves with the Character they're playing.
>You're one comfie awoomfie
This also isn't a Line I'd put into anything.
Why are we both completely uninjured after a Plane crash, why am I a Dog?
Why is everything insinuating that Haru crashed the Plane because he felt like it, why is his first Thought after that he is Hungry?
So now Haru doesn't want to hurt the mean Condor, but crashing a Plane because he's a cool Demon works?
What's an awoomfie?
So far the only Person I completely understand is Robin being entirely distressed by whatever crazy Person Haru is.
So I'm a Dog who not only stores the Key from the Lumberjack in my Fur somehow, but also grabs the Axe? That makes absolutely no Sense.
Requests make no Sense, the writing makes no Sense. Suddenly in the Forest my VTuber disappeared and I guess become a Monster randomly walking around? The Forest Puzzle itself also makes no Sense. I know it's a classic Thing, but it needs a Way to solve it that isn't brute Force. Either hints on the Individual Maps where to go, a Way to find the Answer beforehand or anything.
Got cought by the Demon in the House when looking for Airplane Food, going to end this here. For an Adventure Horror Game you need a better and proper Story, if you're this Dialogue heavy, actual good Dialogue you can immerse yourself into, not me being a Dog that handles everything like a Human with my VTuber friend crashing a Plane on Purpose then turning into a Monster.
Apart from the Story Aspect, your Window is too small, it causes the Font to get a lot of Artifacts on the Text making it needlessly hard to read. There is no clear Progression going on, it seems like random Events strung together.
Thank you for the feedback! I'm discovering that it's really hard to get a good feel for the story/gameplay flow as the developer because you're there from the start.
Comments
I'm not familiar with Haru Mizuki at all, so I'm definitely not what this game is for. As a VN, the writing is probably about as verbose as can be expected, but as a game with gameplay I do wish it could be trimmed down a little. For a fan game, I guess the story doesn't really need to make all that much sense as long as you're appealing to your target audience of other fans, so even if it's cliched or nonsensical I think that's fine as long as you stay somewhat consistent with it.
That being said, I couldn't really come up with any specific traits about Haru's character from the game itself. So far, I don't feel like you've really been able to capture the personality or branding of your VTuber; the character seems rather generic in how he's reacting to things and what he does. Maybe feeding him is something relevant to his character, but that's about it. Perhaps it's just that as a smaller VTuber, he doesn't have the same level of branding as some of the bigger ones out there, but I'm sure there's some more inside jokes and references you can put into the story for other fans to enjoy.
I got stuck off-screen in the maze part and couldn't continue; seems like I managed to enter the screen below where the bottom tree line is? This was after I went up into the wrong part and got sent back to the start, right at the top of the first room, and immediately walked up back to the axe room because I was holding down the up key.
Making a fangame is a weird fence to walk on - I don't want to include too many inside jokes or else it'll be offputting to others, but at the same time, the fans should enjoy it. I have yet to find the right balance between including these things but not having people feel left out.
Your feedback is highly appreciated and helps me understand the writing from an outsider's point of view much better!
Apologies for the camera bug - it's definitely getting some tweaking in future iterations.
I have something to add aside from what I've said on stream - I feel like right now the writing is a bit too cliche. Maybe that is your intention, but most of the "plot twists" are kinda obvious - the fairy obviously is leading you into a trap, Strauss is obviously an evil vampire, scared woman obviously hides something/knows something. I dunno if you're planning to subvert those tropes later down the line, but if not - it may become boring story-wise.
It's been eye opening getting opinions from other people on the story that aren't in the fangame's target audience. The tropes feel fine in the context of the limited audience, but adding more dimensions to the cast can elevate it above a fangame. I'll revisit some of the ideas, thank you so much!
>You sit next to your favorite VTuber
I don't think this is a useful Line if you want People to identify themselves with the Character they're playing.
>You're one comfie awoomfie
This also isn't a Line I'd put into anything.
Why are we both completely uninjured after a Plane crash, why am I a Dog?
Why is everything insinuating that Haru crashed the Plane because he felt like it, why is his first Thought after that he is Hungry?
So now Haru doesn't want to hurt the mean Condor, but crashing a Plane because he's a cool Demon works?
What's an awoomfie?
So far the only Person I completely understand is Robin being entirely distressed by whatever crazy Person Haru is.
So I'm a Dog who not only stores the Key from the Lumberjack in my Fur somehow, but also grabs the Axe? That makes absolutely no Sense.
Requests make no Sense, the writing makes no Sense. Suddenly in the Forest my VTuber disappeared and I guess become a Monster randomly walking around? The Forest Puzzle itself also makes no Sense. I know it's a classic Thing, but it needs a Way to solve it that isn't brute Force. Either hints on the Individual Maps where to go, a Way to find the Answer beforehand or anything.
Got cought by the Demon in the House when looking for Airplane Food, going to end this here. For an Adventure Horror Game you need a better and proper Story, if you're this Dialogue heavy, actual good Dialogue you can immerse yourself into, not me being a Dog that handles everything like a Human with my VTuber friend crashing a Plane on Purpose then turning into a Monster.
Apart from the Story Aspect, your Window is too small, it causes the Font to get a lot of Artifacts on the Text making it needlessly hard to read. There is no clear Progression going on, it seems like random Events strung together.
This is probably not the Game for me.
Thank you for the feedback! I'm discovering that it's really hard to get a good feel for the story/gameplay flow as the developer because you're there from the start.
I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you!