Writing Improvements/Mistakes:
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The fluttering leaves, the flying (of the) insects, even the moments (movements) of (the) people around you has decreased their pace (have slowed) — it takes you a moment to adjust to your new, enhanced perception (,) and you wonder just how long it’ll last and what would be the (kind of) side-effects (will follow).
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In attempts (an attempt) to retaliate, Long Chen swings his club around, but despite its might, the weapon is too slow
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Long Chen, who before (previously would have) fiercely attacked with his club, suddenly stopped (stops). His whole body froze (freezing) as he stared (stares) somewhere in (into) the distance with a blank, empty look (expression).
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Did the arrogant and honorable princess just used (use)… poison?
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The mist of blood that (was) once has been [remove] your Senior Brother condenses back into a human shape again [remove] and Long Chen, naked as the day he was born, appears before you.
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Upon contact with Long Chen’s skull, you don’t simply break through the broke (bone): such great might is hidden in your punch that your opponent’s head explodes under the impact of your hit.
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Long Chen lifeless body falls to the ground, not a sign of life in his corpse. ➡️ (Long Chen’s body falls to the ground, lifeless.)
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“Come, get up, we need to check if that monster if (is) finally dead.”
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“Alright. Let’s make a deal then. You’ll hand over the stone and we’ll bound (bind) you with (an) Energy-suppressing rope. I will guarantee your safety.”
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“I (can) depart to the underworld any time.”
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but realizing the pointless (pointlessness) of it all, swallows his words.
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When Long Chen came to you, offering a [remove] five thousand gold to join his army, you refused.
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A bum that lucked out and risen (rose) above his destined stature.
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Taking on them all alone? ➡️ (Taking them all on alone?)
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There’s a chance of her become someone important in the future. Which means, you’ll benefit a lot from ingraining yourself to her while that’s still a possibility. ➡️ (There’s a chance she’ll become someone important in the future, which means you’ll benefit a lot from ingratiating yourself to her while its still possible.)
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but Tang Ruo wouldn’t even look at you twice. ➡️ (but Tang Ruo wouldn’t even look twice at you.)
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She throws himself (herself) into the slaughter and spares no mercy.
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Five, ten, fifteen – and then a [remove] thirty more.
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They activate their wondrous skills, use tactics and even resort to, out of necessity, to the use of under-handed means like means, yet Long Chen gets up time and time again. ➡️ (They activate their formidable skills, use tactics, and even resort to the use of under-handed means, out of necessity. Yet, Long Chen gets up time and time again.)
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replaying in your head that punch again and again. ➡️ (unable to help mentally replaying that punch over and over again.)
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How many worlds you’ve (have you) traversed to find them? How many enemies you’ve (have you) made after kidnapping daughters, sisters (,) and brides? How many wars you’ve (have you) waged (…) and how many lives you’ve taken to gather them all (how many lives have you taken to gather them all)?
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Countless. And (Yet,) you don’t feel the slightest amount of remorse (,) Because (because), as you give these women a glance, you reassure yourself that all your actions have been worth it.
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But… how can you exist in this world when she was not (isn’t) by your side?
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What (All that) persists is anguish Unbearable agony as they scream out in agony (, and finally, their screams of unbearable agony echo around me…) How can they not, when all of them are burning alive?
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You look up. You feel their anger. makes the sky darken and clouds full of thunder to form (The sky darkens, clouds form, and thunder rumbles — loudly echoing their fury). And [remove] You Smirk. What can (the) Heavens do against a God?
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As (the) women begin to slowly die (slowly begin to die), their quintessential energies (being) used to fuel your insanity of a (heretical)/(insane) plan, a portal starts to form.
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but that would be akin to calling a sparkle from rubbing sticks a great wildfire. ➡️ (but that would be akin to equating a raging wild fire to a mere spark.)
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“Will it damage his (hers)?” — you query, referring to the Princess.
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“That’s a possibility, but I doubt it. To shatter arrogance as thick as his (hers), Long Chen’s club is not big enough.”
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He walked forward as (if) he owned this entire world and, in a way, you realize he really did
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(With his) Hands claspes (clasped) behind his back, Long Chen took (takes) heavy, firm steps. Hearing you approach, he turns his head and smiles (in a) friendly (manner).
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Mental alignments (ailments) can get dangerous, if left untreated.
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You used means I didn’t thought (never thought) you’d be willing to use.
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Long Chen snorts, though you don’t (know) whether he does so at (due to) your naivety or out of (feeling) insult.
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No. But, you’ve (have you) seen a masked disciple running around?
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Long Chen pursues (purses) his lips
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It’s not like I’m bursting with (the) desire to do so.
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You think I’m willing to enter that snake (Snake’s) nest? Hell no.
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Her unapologetic gaze drills you int (into you)
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All your (you) need is to restore your qi and then bend the void to your will.
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but you need you (the) fuel desperately and mortal ants are not good for anything else.
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Only now (do) you know: your entire civilization (, to him,) is a merely (has merely been) a pig that he has fattened (for consumption) , and you yourself is (are) the main dish.
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But you can’t let him see your weak (weakness).
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To glance at her again and lose her, to watch myself stray from who I was (, who I) used to be…
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If you lived in a (the) world I lived in,
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yet the choice (of) which road is (to) pick is not yours to make.
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kept together by the [remove] sheer will through angst and pain.
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You wander (wonder) if they are having the same conversation you had, with the incomprehensible man inside his mind (their minds).
Bugs:
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Health did not increase with phoenix paste between Tang Ruo & Tigress battle.
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The poem about “the harsh training required to reach the peak.” and the one about “your misfortune of being born into a decadent clan.” both use he pronouns rather than she although I am playing a female
Suggestion:
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If injured in the battle with the monster when saving the boy + we try to save Ai or Ai has a high opinion of us, add a scene where Ai heals us or treats us after everything before we start going back to the sect. Probably have it happen regardless of whether we have regeneration because Ai would probably care for us either way.
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In the Tang Ruo arena fight scene against Jing Qianfan, maybe add some options for the way we react?
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Add an extra reaction from Xiwen to some of the poems. {The love poem about him, the poems about freedom, poems about cruelty to commoners, poem about our father}: Some level of questioning, just as we questioned him on whether his poem was about himself, or maybe something that tells us more about him.