But it does still need to be seen. This topic, the ideas presented here, all of it still needs to be seen. By such an infuriating number of people. And that's a feeling that has grown so weary and exhausted from knowing it for so long, but not being able to just widespread show it. To where explaining it again and again gets the speech messed up, tripping over words, or the audience not even listening, not caring, willfully ignoring the message that is being given. But you've ignited something within with this. By simply discussing your experience, even if the post itself is a bit old (but still RECENT) you've held up a mirror to a long endured suffering. One where I'm just tired of continuing. Tired of trying to recover from longstanding consecutive trauma. Dealing with how those CPTSD triggers manifest and make life annoying, how they make things get expensive, get stressful, etc.
Tired of noting things in media, in people, sometimes in myself, and noting to myself "That is subliminally sexist", "That's oppression and manipulation disguised as mercy and kindness", etc., and having noone to rant about it to who will actually repeat the ideas shared.
I never thought I would ever encounter someone who would say such exact things I have literally thought to myself, have literally believed, and be so similar to me to make me remember myself, because I'm surrounded by just... lies and bigotry. Idiocy and oppression. People spouting incredibly harmful toxic sludge and acting like it's okay. Gaslighting me without even trying to.
Your Game Jolt Article talked about suicide. I've attempted that many times, but never did enough damage to be fatal, simply due to an evolutionarily ingrained program of "SURVIVE. AT ANY COST." And I keep making plans to do so because I just hate this world. I want to destroy it. I should never be given the means to do so. But your whole speak on "I don't know how it gets better, it just does" has reached me in ways I cannot express. Because that's how it works. I only know you exist because someone commented something somewhere and had an interesting username, out of curiosity I followed their profile to see what else they commented on, and they commented on one of your games. And I started reading. And found my way here. THAT IS NONSENSE. DREAM LOGIC. That is not how any writer of any fictional story who understands how to write character development would write that. But that's how it happens. That's how life takes turns that weren't expected, that didn't seem possible, that changes the entire course of those lives. Through stupid shit. Stupid turns that don't make sense. "It just happened, fuck- i dunno"
But you've rekindled a smoldering dying passion to want to simply SCREAM that there are problems that exist. Problems like this, LITERALLY these ACTUAL PROBLEMS still existing in SO MANY PLACES. To LITERALLY "Never give up." Even if there isn't any guarantee that things will get better (Although that really really helps ;n;) but because I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT. Because not only am I SUFFERING but I am NOT the ONLY ONE SUFFERING and that there's no guarantee that doing something about it won't accomplish NOTHING. That "Better" does not fucking mean "Fixed". That these should be changed by however they can be. Even if it's loud and aggressive. (I might naturally just adopt a more punk methodology to be honest.) And that if I SCREAM loud enough, if my deeply seeded HATRED burns bright enough and is conveyed intelligently cutting enough, someone who will listen will hear me. That I won't be hated or rejected by everyone for just saying things that I feel I have conclusive proof that are true. That they will talk about it too. That eventually someone who can construct an intelligent persuasive sentence will step up to talk about it more clearly in ways that I cannot. Most importantly that I shouldn't do what I'm doing now. Being quiet. Suffering silently. Because "if noone will help it's better to stay quiet." (I think that's a big reason why misogyny is so historically 'normal'. Small communities, lack of support.) I've been haunted by that mindset for the past 10 years. I've suffered because of that mindset for the past 10 years. I've denied myself opportunities because of that mindset. That I should be extremely cautious. That I should forsake myself just so I don't make waves. So I'm not seen too clearly for how I am and what I am. That I should hide myself simply because I wrongly believe that "Nothing will come of it anyway."
Now I will hide no longer. I will SCREAM.
You've set my heart free from a quagmire of being beaten down by an oppressive culture that doesn't THINK enough about how it's acting and what it's doing. That doesn't THINK about what it's saying, the subliminal oppression in it, the subconscious hatred towards people who never deserved it. Free from this silent suffering of understanding everything wrong with what was happening but not feeling like doing anything about it will change anything.
You've set ME free from just "letting it happen" because "I can't do anything" and "they won't stop, no matter how hard I fight back." (That word choice is a bit triggering but oh well)
Thank You.
I love you.
If I could I would give you money but I can't afford to give myself 3 meals a day (Which due to your talk of only going on One made this entire post feel FAR more intimately as though it was directed at me) so I sort of can't, but I wish I could without jeopardizing my own living situation.
Afterthoughts (AfterSCREAMs?):
I actually routinely look for feminine names in any interactive media and entertainment media such as TV shows. Granted part of it is a subsection of research for "There's definitely a correlation between sexism in TV shows and the gender of the writer and director." And another part being "I'm tired of seeing male fucking names in the credits." But I've noticed a lot about it. Games and oftentimes even episodes that credit feminine sounding names, USUALLY are like better quality in those areas and I like them more than other ones? Like to the point where I'm just confused on why there's a misogynistic bias at all? It's like realizing the sky is blue while everyone else says its green. It's just confusing because all you can say is "LOOK AT IT THOUGH" and yet most still don't understand. I think human society evolved incorrectly.
Also, I like your blue fire at the bottom of the page, it reflects my feelings well.