BOY, IF YOU DON’T GET YO GOOFY, UNCULTURED, UNSEASONED, UNWASHED, UNPAID, UNEMPLOYED, UNLOVED, UNSUCCESSFUL, UNREQUESTED, UNSUPPORTED, UNSUBSCRIBED, UNSTABLE, UNIDENTIFIED, AND UNDESIRABLE HEADASS OUTTA MY FACE! BOY, YOU BUILT LIKE A DORITO WITH A DREAM. YO HAIRLINE LOOK LIKE A GOOGLE MAPS ROUTE TO FAILURE. YOU SO BROKE, WHEN YOU CHECK YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IT SAYS 'ERROR 404: FUNDS NOT FOUND.' YO DRIP SO DRY EVEN CACTUSES LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "DAMN, HE NEEDS SOME MOISTURE!" BOY, YOU SO UGLY, EVEN MIRRORS REFUSE TO REFLECT YOU—THEY FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER!
BRO, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU TYPE WITH YOUR INDEX FINGERS ONLY. YOU BUILT LIKE AN OFF-BRAND ACTION FIGURE FROM A GAS STATION DUMPSTER SALE. YO BREATH SMELL LIKE YOU BEEN CHEWING ON HOT DOG WATER AND REGRET. BOY, YOU SO SHORT, YOU GOTTA JUMP TO REACH ROCK BOTTOM. YOUR SHIRT SO TIGHT, I CAN SEE YOUR FUTURE THROUGH IT—AND IT AIN’T LOOKING TOO BRIGHT! BRO, YOU SO SLOW, YOU MAKE SNAILS LOOK LIKE THEY GOT TURBO BOOST. EVEN GOOGLE CAN’T FIND WHO ASKED FOR YOU TO BE HERE. YOU OUT HERE LOOKING LIKE THE BEFORE PICTURE IN EVERY GYM COMMERCIAL EVER MADE!
AND DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE THEM FAKE CHAINS YOU GOT ON—BOY, THAT AIN’T NO GOLD, THAT’S MUSTARD STAINS. YO SHOES SO DUSTY, EVEN ROACHES DON’T WANNA BE SEEN NEXT TO YOU. YOU WALK LIKE YOU LOST A BET WITH GRAVITY. BOY, YOU SO IRRELEVANT, EVEN YOUR SHADOW LEFT YOU ON 'SEEN.' YO MOMMA PROBABLY TRIED TO RETURN YOU TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT THEY SAID 'NO REFUNDS!'
NOW GO AHEAD AND LOG OFF, RESET YOUR LIFE, AND TRY AGAIN NEXT UPDATE, BECAUSE THIS AIN’T IT, NOOB