Post by Duskdancer in Leodetable Institute (R18 BL) (Work in Progress) comments

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yea thank you, it's because I played quite a lot of visual novels lately , a lot were good but some were just... like not good xD seeing a bit of the writing style and personalities of the characters during dialogue can help clear that up a lot. I mostly just curious about what type of personality and what type of speaking mannerisms the main character will have and a a few of the romance interests. one of the best main characters of a game i got to play lately was that game Royal Alchemist. The writing of all the characters were just soooo nice and main character had such a clever, strong personality but also showed weakness. (another good written game with different style was The Pretenders Guild, although short the writing was quite enjoyable and just altogether a fun time)

The worst so far and I hate to say it so i am going to put a line through it so it isn't so clear for others to see but it was

~~signed and kiss with a seal~~

the main character felt like was trying way too hard to relate to people and be some type of meme or joke at the same time. They changed to add more favorable personalities but altogether it stayed pretty bland and poor writing.

Erda Enos4 years ago

I’ve been uploading the character profiles on the Patreon page. All of the profiles will be done posted by August 5th there… Here’s the link to check it out:

https://www.patreon.com/erdaenos?filters[tag]=character-profile

(So far it’s 3 out of 5 main characters.)

Duskdancer4 years ago (1 edit)

I checked out the character profiles. Adri, is supposedly Flirty and Stubborn, the stubborn part is straight forward, he won't easily give up. However the flirty part is a bit... for you to put flirty as his second main personality type, I am really curious to see a bit of this "flirty" dialogue. Adri seems already a pretty interesting main character. From what I can see so far he seems to be not easily persuaded, and can handle himself. As for Seal, I haven't seen any dialogue with him so I can't comment much about him, however I feel saying he is both childish and mischievous is a bit too much. It makes me worried that he is going to end up being a super annoying character. Is there another way you can describe his personality? Like cunning, scheming, sly, witty... Childish along with mischievous just feels too extreme of a bad boy annoying personality type. Lastly Saputra, I feel based on his short introduction and some of his dialogue that his personality shouldn't be mainly serious and ambitious. I can understand the Serious part, however ambitious is I feel more should be more of strength. From his dialogue he makes me feel he is diligent, rational, and I am guessing due to his hating of germs he is more of an introvert.

Also my very last thing I want to comment on(I promise this is the last since I got a taste of what I was looking for) is the writing style is for sure very interesting however. I notice quite a few strangely worded sentences that unfortunately kind of throws of the tone of the dialogue going on. Is there a proof reader for your project? I feel there needs to be a proof reader since some of those lines are just very unpleasant to read in English.

Erda Enos4 years ago

Wow, thank you for reviewing the profiles!

I’m happy to know you thought of Adri interesting.

For Seal, mischievous can only point at his love of pranks. Childish, however, points to love-starved, reckless, and has commitment issues. Now that I wrote that down, I could see why you’d see him as an annoying bad boy. The fact he’s so obnoxious brings a question if he’s faking his personality throughout the common route.

For Saputra, you’re right. I kinda.. forgot the word ‘diligent’ even exist. He’s a workaholic and know-it-all kind of guy. I got mixed up between ‘ambitious to be accepted’ and ‘too much work but too stubborn to stop’. I’ll fix his profile ASAP.

At the moment, there’s no active proofreader available. Sinis-Ter could only touch the beginning and a few days into stage two. So, if you find weird sentences, it’s all on me.

Duskdancer4 years ago (1 edit)

ooooh ok, with that explanation about Seal I feel much better about him now. Also yes the thing with Saputra I was thinking he felt like a very diligent person xD

Also about the writing, honestly I shouldn't have said strange wording, in actuality the meaning is still perfectly understandable, sorry it mostly me being picky. I was just thinking I felt some of things I saw could have been worded slightly better to sound more smooth. That way of thinking just kept nagging at me, making feel it was unpleasant. However looking again, it's not as bad as my first impression made it sound. Though if you find time to tweak some of the writing I will be willing to give my opinions on what I felt could have been tweaked.. and yes that means I will support your work on patreon. I like the idea of having an rpg style game with interesting story and romances. Also the main character is totally the type of main character I like. I can also tell by talking with you and seeing some of the snippets of stuff and the character profiles that you care about the story you are creating.

Erda Enos4 years ago

Noted!

Thank you for your support and kind words. Welcome aboard!

itch.io

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