It's a bit rough around the edges, but I understand that it's a more story driven game. Some things I would consider improving would be:
* The font doesn't match the rest of the game, making it being out of place.
* Slow paced, but that's not an issue by itself.
* Lack of sound effects. I thing they would bring a lot to the ambience (like grass sounds while walking and maybe a car crash at that scene).
* The final text is quite boring, walking in a straight long line. I think making it shorter, but with the text appearing and vanishing, would bring more impact.
But don't stress too much about it. It's well worth the effort as long as it was a good learning experience to you.