No you're doing great work here, really enjoyed reading through it.
Since this is just a demo you don't need to have excatly 10 S-links like with twilight so just write what you feel you can. Things can always be fleshed out later.
As for Harshwhinny, don't think anyone minds having her around, we just try to keep the number of characters limited for now. But! Wouldn't mind drawing her non-bimbo form for this shot.
As for the 3rd S-link, it seems a bit more time focused, depending on where the player is in the game before she tells twilight to leave the library. It can of course still be used, since it might still pass of as vague enough of her not knowing how much time the player and her spend.
As for the study group, sounds like an interesting spin on things good thinking. Could easily lead to some group action cutscenes, or a 'private' study session goign the bimbo route.
But yes nothing needs to be perfect, the important thing is to just have material to work with. Good job.