I've been struggling with the same feelings since always too. I'd like to say that it gets easier as you keep trying, but it feels extremely painful every time still, getting older and more patient doesn't make it any less hard and fucked to be vulnerable- But I do feel like it's worth it to keep trying to understand the puzzle that being compassionate with your own self is, since the pain goes away the next day or week or month and what's left is a step forward.
Thank you so much for your comment, keep going!