DATE: APRIL 5, 2021. [Julian Date #95.]
I played this game for 51 minutes and I became fairly engrossed in it, despite initial doubts and apprehensions. The characters, while they appeared at first to be mere stock characters, carried out their functions believably and realistically. I've tried to figure out how best to divvy up my praise and blame for this, yet I really cannot hope to do it justice.
I'll start by saying that the English is superb. It's clear enough to be accessible to a young adult reader who would resonate with such a story. I only noticed the slightest oversights in terms of Grammar and Spelling. "They sky" is perhaps not the proper pronoun usage, unless the Sky identifies that way.
The humour was subtle and you resisted the impulse to explain your own jokes. I grinned during "that means it's not rotten"; if I took this historical reference for what it is, that rendered the eggs an effective objective correlative for your protagonists. Also: the "Death, Dismemberment, and Psychological Trauma" clause is probably one of my favourite clichés, and it was handled well herein.
Visually, the Game was quite a smorgasbord, combining animations with expressive characters, and not a single piece of Scenery was out of place, nor did any of the characters feel out of place in any Scene. Additional references such as "Harlock", "Black", and "Selmy" helped to bring longtime fans of the genre into your Fictional Universe by proxy, as though by "cultural shortcut", and I advocate for this approach, of course, in novel applications for Classic tropes.
With regards to Constructive Criticism: I would have liked to see some more insight into the characters' motivations during the exposition, much earlier on. I get that you wanted to enshroud their backstories in Mystery, but you can do that whilst still giving them Agency and Intention right out the gate!!
ON THAT NOTE: Dude, where's my Agency? So much went into constructing this Magical World, these underdog characters struggling for recognition, and yet I saw, for all the animations, musical cues, eye candy and lore, NOT A SINGLE OPTIONS MENU. What gives? I don't just want to see these kids kick ass with magick; *I* want to kick ass with magick, even if my choices are illusory!!
Games are Magick in themselves; make use of them. Give US "Authority", lest we be made to feel like normies/no-mag/muggles.
The Music is well-done, but it's repetitive, quite loud and uniform in its dynamics, highly hinging on the pizzicato strings, which work in MODERATION, not to this absurd extent. I couldn't make out anything I would call "catchy" or "engrossing" in the O.S.T., which is a shame, considering there were a lot of tracks and you had clearly put some thought into their proper use. Tell your composer this: a Character could use a THEME, not just a track which could mean anything. A strong motif works wonders for subconscious Drama and Development.
Is a group of griffins called a "clutch"? If so, that's clutch. I looked it up right now and I see chickens. Yes: a griffin is half EAGLE, but that isn't quite the same... why not a "Pride" of griffins? Just a thought. But you can tell that I got into this.
Mr. Pike is my favourite character, but you introduce him as "Weirdo", and this remains his name throughout the scene. It's hard to imagine a man doing his "civic duty" arousing such a response from the townsfolk, but then I don't know much about this town, and I guess that's fitting, since your delinquent antisocial witch does not appear to know much, either. Still: he seemed like a positive character to me. I should hate to see him transfigured into a Villain, but I guess we'll wait and see.
On that note: it is "ON a cliffhanger", not "IN a cliffhanger", in case I am mistaken. Yet for all I know that might have been a typo and no more. At any rate: it's only a cliché.
Your protag sure gets hyped for cereal. L.M.A.O.
In summary: this was a beautiful Initiation into a Magical World, as well as NaNoRenO MMXXI. As a lifelong fan of fantasy, I’m charmed.
Rinzai Gigen,
Subliminal Mind Games.
[({R.G.||S.M.G.)}]