I pressed play, pressed a random button (at this point I am accustomed to key-spamming just to find the controls) and somehow got sent to the win screen instantly.
On second playthrough, I found the "buy DLC" button, couldn't put my info in correctly, and was stuck forever.
Finally, on the third playthrough, I finally found out how to move, and I got all the way until the red barrier with the sign before giving up.
Thank you Lukski Lukilj.