Here's my letter. It's... pretty personal.
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Dear past me,
You amaze me. You’re so full of emotion, so vibrant, and wherever you go you bring your emotions with you. You’re capable of expressing such perfect joy, such deep sadness, such complete fear… and such consuming anger. Yet, sometimes your emotions feel like too much to bear, and sometimes they overtake you. At times it can be difficult to separate your rage from yourself.
This can be really scary, I know that all too well. I see you reckoning with yourself, trying to figure out if you’re a good person but never having the time, energy, knowledge, or means to do so. You wonder if you’re wallowing in sin you can’t escape from, sadness you can’t identify, on your own volition. But your future self has discovered it is not your fault, and I know that you are not the passionate anger that attacks her family, the injustice screaming to get her way, the complete disregard for others.
When you explode at others, that is your anger overtaking you, and I am afraid you do not yet have the tools to surpass it. The good news is though, as you get older, and you get support from your therapists and doctors, you’ll be able to see who you are. That person is joyful, and kind, and she is down there inside of you just waiting to be set free. The way others perceive you is not entirely true, and in the end it is up to you to find out and claim who you are to the world.
By the time you’re able to start discovering yourself, some sad things are going to have happened. I’m not going to mince words (we’ve never grown out of that habit): you’re going to experience pain you never thought was possible. You’re going to be beaten down by others just for being your vivacious, outgoing self. You’re going to grieve people you’ve loved. And you’re going to have revelations that completely change how you see your self-expression and identity, while having those revelations denied by everyone you know in real life.
Things aren’t going to be perfect in the future by any means. And yet, God has given us so many blessings. I have an entire network of support I can go to when I feel like my immediate family won’t understand. I have the knowledge and coping skills I need to navigate everyday life. And I may not be entirely out of my cocoon of anxiety and emotions yet, but I will make sure, for both of us, that I will blossom into who we were always meant to be.
It may not seem like it, but you’ve been so brave, little one. You’ve carried the torch for your older self to make it here. So you can set down all of your emotions, all of your pain, and let yourself live in the future.
It’s rocky. It won’t be an easy climb. But it will be worth it.
Won’t you join me, Elizabeth?
Yours,
Mint