An intriguing start. However, I would recommend either you or an editor tightening up the narration, i.e. the portions of the writing where no one is talking. Because I can see two major problems with it. First of all, you spend too much time describing the tiny details of every scene and that's not necessary.
This screenshot, for example, shows what I mean. You don't need to spend so much time describing what the room looks like. Instead, let the visuals do the job for you. That's the whole point of a visual novel. I'd recommend you cut out the details which aren't that important, or can be conveyed through visuals instead.
Which brings me to my second point, which is that you spend too much time describing little details and not enough time describing emotional states. For a story with so many moments of high emotion, the writing feels very flat, like you're just describing what's going on, instead of getting into the heads of the characters and letting the reader feel what they feel.
Still, despite these problems, which I think are easily fixable, I am interested to see where this story is going, so keep up the good work.