Skip to main content

Indie game storeFree gamesFun gamesHorror games
Game developmentAssetsComics
SalesBundles
Jobs
TagsGame Engines
(+2)

The story so far is interesting and your idea of having multiple protagonist is definitely intriguing and I am excited for how you will execute this at a later date. It even had me jump out of my sit when a... certain choice was displayed in front of me (made me remind my time playing Doki-Doki Literature Club). Another time was with the references. I certainly did not expect those kinds of references to be laid out like that (made me almost choke on my drink when a certain reference to a certain horror VN was played). I have to be critical at some parts though.

First off, the fourth-wall breaks lathered at some parts of the narration. Though most of the time it's okay - especially in a comedic setting - other times, it's bad for the story considering, I'm guessing, this VN handles a more serious route than a comedic one. For me, it ruins my immersion of the game having Reynald addresses me so casually as if he knows I am actually there with him, playing as him. Scares me even. I am not sure if this is some kind of quirky characteristic he only has and if so, I don't mind it, but if not, then I recommend removing it and having do so in a... narrative way? Just in any way that is not fourth-wall breaking

Lastly, show, don't tell. Having the narrator outright tell me directly what their background was, who a certain character is to them, and etc., it's weird. This also ties with my first critique. It's just weird for the narrator to just directly tell certain information as if there was someone listening inside their mind that needs to know this certain information. I mean, granted, that is true, I most definitely want to know more about them and their relationships with the other characters but I most prefer it done in a way without outright telling me what it is. For example, if you want a character to show that he's brothers with a certain character, instead of directly telling us that they're brothers, do it in a way that expresses and shows that they're like brothers. Like, let them address each other like brothers or have them do brotherly things. Hint them as brothers instead of outright telling us so. Show, don't tell.

Other than that, I am interested to know more of the story and the route you'll take for this VN. I'll be tuning in and waiting for anymore developments and updates from you!

(1 edit) (+1)

Thank you so much for the kind words and glad you like it~ ^ ^

For fourth-wall breaking, I don't remember exactly how I got and started to use it. I think it's a kind of cultural thing from the platform I came from or I watched too many cartoons and/or anime. You're right that this VN will handle more serious issues. That's indeed something to fix to give you, the reader, a better immersion and impression of not just Reynald but the others as well. 

Secondly, this is the first time I write in a visual novel media, because I used to write in the basic novel format, I'm still trying to adjust. The thing I intended to do is to give weight to the writing but still show the stuff rather than tell just like you said. I'm trying to remove that feeling of uneasiness when I see a paragraph or the script is too short (less than 3 or 4 sentences per paragraph). 

About Rey and Kos, I was just a bit worried it might be easily misunderstood since it's not like your typical sibling relationship... 

All in all, thanks a whole lot for the compliments and critiques! These are things that I will certainly look further into and improve them better!

(+1)

No pressure! Just do things in your own pace. You'll get a hang of it and considering it is your first time writing a VN, you're doing already great from what I can tell! With just a few refinements, you're VN will be good! Good luck with your VN and, most importantly, have fun! I cannot wait for more

(+1)

Thanks again! I will try my absolute best ^ ^