There were points where I wanted to stop playing this. Not because of lack of quality, but because of the discomfort of real life. The discomfort of what you've experienced.
Other points I nodded along in a mutual understanding of pain and trauma.
I haven't been through things similar to this. But I wanted to hear you out, finish the game, even if I was uncomfortable at times, not at myself or you, or even the game. Just, at life.
As a trans guy, and as someone who has been through trauma, albeit in very different ways, I just want to say that, to some degree, in different ways, as a different person, I can understand how you feel. I don't fully. I never will. But I do understand some of it.
You made me realize something myself. I won't go into it here; this isn't about me or my revelations.
I don't really have anything to say. Cliche words and kind regards don't mean much when you hurt like that. When it's so deep in your mind that it takes years to unravel and slowly build to a place where you feel...okay.
I'm at a place where I feel fairly okay, where I feel proud of myself, and even then, I've come to realize that there's so much more to do, to be...well, okay.
It's long and slow and agonizing at times. But with each step...it does feel worth it, somehow. I still hurt a lot sometimes. I know you must too. I just hope that one day you will find yourself at a point where you can look in the mirror and feel so proud of yourself that you start crying. Where you can accept gifts without guilt, and where you can think of yourself and not feel the weight of everything looming behind you like an unspoken curse or a long forgotten, but not really, monster.
I keep writing more even though I keep thinking that I don't know what to say or how to word it. I have thoughts in my head, wordless ones, images and feelings, but they don't come out right into words. It feels stilted and hollow.
I guess the only thing I can really say is that I hope you get to a place where you feel okay. Not just okay, but really truly okay. Not getting by, not managing, but truly, honestly, okay. I don't know if that makes much sense, but it's the best I can do to word it.
I hope you nothing but good things in your future. Not because of what you've been through or anything you've done. Because of who you are. And who you are is deserving of goodness, in my opinion. Truly.
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That's very kind of you. I can only try my best to show support and love for people I see suffering. I went through a lot of shit, very different shit, but shit nonetheless, in my life, and it's taken a lot to get to where I am today. And I'm still trying to get to what I can only describe as a "normal", consistently. Sometimes I'm there, sometimes, somedays, somehow, I end up slipping and I have to work to keep myself from falling back into a place I never want to be in again.
I know I'd want someone to say something like that when I was hurting back then. And again, it's not the same. It'll never be the same. But it's the best I can compare to, and the best I can do to even begin to comprehend someone else's pain.
Life's hard, as many know. I just know that somedays, when I was in a really bad place, a kind comment I read, sometimes not even directed at me, was all I could grasp onto in an effort to keep going. I can't claim to ever be the comment. I can only work to and try to help people hold on, because the idea that someone would suffer all that pain and never get to feel the genuine joy that I've gotten to feel, even for a second, is a thought I can barely bear. The thought that I might not have made it to this point is terrifying to me.
I hope you a wonderful day. And happy new year! :)