Overall, this is a very solid start for an FVN. The writing is pretty good, the characters are well distinguished from each other, the art is decent enough, and the music is honestly something I'd listen to on my own time! My main issue is that some sentences don't flow naturally. The best way to make them do that is to read what you write aloud and see if it flows in a natural way. As a writer myself, I do this all the time and it works wonders with my projects!
In conclusion, I'm definitely reading the next update of this! I'll link my video on this as well: