It's weird for me to see how articulated your comments are, yet the grammar and structure of the game dialogue is so rough.
I don't mean this in a mean way, but is English your first language? If it isn't, then I understand. And perhaps it would help to have an English person to help put the dialogue together. If it IS your first language... then perhaps it would still help to have someone else proof read it before hand. Again, I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to try to help you. Because when there are so many errors, it can distract from the game.
I planned on having a list with the errors and corrections to help, but the list got too long to type here. However, I would be happy to help you make corrections--if you plan to do that. The game, for the most part, I have been enjoying. I want to recommend it to others through my blog, but I just feel like it needs a little refinement is all. I hope you don't take this negatively, just wanted to help. Best of luck with your future endeavors!