I think my bigger problem was that their journey doesn't feel real, when they explain it to the player it feels like unnatural exposition and none of it is specific to their experience. I absolutely love the direction you want to take it, just advice from a writer: focus on telling the character's story, then you can find moments where it tells your themes or message more naturally. Think about what being trans means to the character instead of anyone.
Thats understandable, it's kinda hard to fit character introductions, hard emotional scenes, and a sex scene in a less than 10 minutes demo while getting my message across naturally. It doesn't help that, while I've always been told I'm a good writer, this is really for first try at story telling. Regardless, once I have more story to work with, I absolutely plan on fleshing out the characters and sprinkling my message throughout