I have discovered the cause of my dumb. I was reading the O as a 0.
kisa
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A member registered Jun 16, 2015 · View creator page →
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So, I managed to start the game up in Wine (since I run mac) and had no idea what to do since the text didn't show up no matter how much I clicked around... Then , I found out I could walk around with the arrow keys and got stuck on the coffee table.
Not the most terrible thing that could've happened, considering. But, meh.
The models were nice and it's not often you find a first game that has a 3D area you can't reach for aesthetic reasons.