itch.io

Ok, soooooo..., before anything I'd like to preface my statement with a little disclaimer that my intent with this comment isn't to be disparaging of the vn itself, or anyone involved in its creation.

With only two updates so far, there isn't really much to be said about this project. 

The writing seems to be rather tight, and concise enough for a slice-of-life, kinda existential novel, the narrative is kept at a slower but  steady pace, and the prose is nice. Corey and Stephan, to me, don't seem to be too compelling of characters, as of yet - we know things about them, but not much of who they are, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be able to learn as the story progresses. 

Aurally the project is very competent. The cozy, but at the same time temperature dropping, longing autumn vibes are evoked within me while listening to the title screen piece, while other tracks support the mood of the assigned scene. However, and it truly deeply pains me to admit it, so far the ost doesn't particularly stand out to me, and I've yet to listen to a track in this vn to truly sweep me off my feet. But at the same time, it may speak to the sophistication of the compositions and the composer - to be able to coax and enhance the emotion while at the same time remaining a subtle presence in the background. And to state the obvious, having a dedicated composer is just wild, you're doing a great job Don Leonard, keep creating music.

Visually the vn is great, it's coherent, and nice to admire. The combined effort of all the artists really bumps up the quality. Don't have much to say in this regard, it's very furry.

However this brings me to gripes that I have:

• In this vn we are following two more mature, at least in age, characters. I'll admit I'm not best at spotting differences, but imo Corey on the fridge photo at age 16, and Corey on the textbox sprite at 32 doesn't show much change. That can ofc be a point in the vn itself, that'll be explored throughout the story. Stephan being 49 just floored me - personally at worst I'd say he looks like he's in his middle 30s, but definitely not pushing 50. Like, my point here being: if we're going for capital A Adults let's maybe not be afraid to show it. Again, that may be explored later on in the story, and I'd imagine that on anthro characters it's more difficult to convey age. And maybe it's beneficial for the story to sell the idea of a 50 yo built like a brickhouse, and a twink in his 30s, while they look like a guy in his mid 30s at worst, and a 20 something respectively. 
• The date was great, up until Corey got his hands on Stephan's stomach, like excuse me! We're in a public setting, a cafeteria, and they are being actively observed by the employees, who while being supportive and spur both of them to action, don't make that part of the scene better. Like, I'm no prude, voyeurism? great, not for me but whatever. I know we're all animals here, and I'd be actively in pain while mentally preventing myself from just pouncing on my date if they looked like Stephan, but let's exercise some restraint from time to time.
• I understand that we as queer ppl have a very lax approach toward dating and relationships and such, but like a full on french kiss after the first date? Granted this is the most minor gripe, like I thought it's going to be a very slow burn, but I'm fine with a sudden boil as well.

So yeah, despite what I said, it's clear that a lot of effort is being put toward creating this vn. I'm curious to see how it'll develop, and wish all the people working on it all the best.

And as meaningless as it is, I'm really sorry for how difficult this year is for you Bjaker.

Oh, thank you, I just hope I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself in front of the entire team. And imo my statement was rather surface level, it just happened to be a bit lengthy. 

Regardless, I’m grateful that you took the time to respond to my initial comment. And for clarifying the concept behind the moments of Ravy’s internal narration in relation to passage of time. Additionally, imo you’re doing a good job with that balancing act of keeping the pace, while also giving Ravy time for reflection, that’s why I included my little rebuttal to my own point of “critique.”

Oh, I absolutely love that you’re taking those chances with prose, and am looking forward to reading what else you’ll come up with. No offence, or full offence if I’ll cause one, but imo you’re still ahead of the more testy parts of your writing when it comes down to the balancing act between more, and to borrow the word, “litfic” moments and those more snappy moments. (Ofc, I’m saying that with the understanding that action doesn’t necessarily mean sth like the scene with Kavir leaping from building to building, while having Ravy attached to his back.) However, not to discredit your writing in any way, with what you’ve shown so far you’re doing a good job balancing those moments. And to kinda comment on the “weird word salad” part of the recent itch entry - it’s just my subjective opinion, and I hope it won’t come off as disrespectful, or orientalist in any way, that isn’t my intention - one of the more enticing factors of this vn’s writing are the inspirations from the more Eastern parts of our world. I, as a “westerner,” find it very perspective broadening to see those influences, while also being unable to speak about their accuracies, and just hoping that the cultures that are being borrowed from, are done justice.

On the “greater complexity in writing of this vn” point - imo it’s a feature of this vn, you’re purposefully creating those moments in the story during which characters state things in a veiled, or roundabout ways. And I believe those moments are intended to serve a kind of setup role, to then pay off later on in the story, as you’ve said, giving them new meaning, and additional layers in hindsight (and there is ofc sth to be said about re-readability value). Or, in case of the more thorough and attentive readers, possible glimpses into future plot points. And again, I believe this story to be about the power of words, so with that it’d be a further proof that the verbose nature of prose is a feature. And on a more meta level, I read at least one of the themes of the story as playing on the importance of the narratives we tell ourselves, and that can reflect on our reality as we put those narratives into action. (But I might be going in too deep on this one)

To praise your writing on a more specific level. 

I loved how at the end of the conversation between Aerren and Ravy, in Ravy’s room, I kind of expected Aerren to leave that exchange with something cliche like “I love you” or sth like that. But no, he leaves Ravy with a stern reminder that he’s never known everything and that’s an illusion that Ravy built in his own mind (sth we get more context for in the 3.A build). So it subverted my own expectation, but it’s also a subversion of the subversion since that can also be read as Aerren indirectly stating that he loves Ravy, by equipping him with a better understanding of the situation, the world, and Aerren himself as a person. 

Darek (sidenote: I find it funny that it’s a legitimate diminutive of a Polish name) is a very attention capturing character, and not only because of his visual design. So far he’s a self-proclaimed man of principle, but at the same time he’s smart, perceptive, well connected and informed, a member of a powerful family, and working for the Corporations, so he can’t be trusted. Which is reflected in Ravy’s attitude toward him, but then he’s “humanised” by that line of Ravy’s internal monologue about Darek being even more torn between his loyalties and being even more lonely than Ravy is. But then, I as a reader have to wonder if that was an intended outcome on Darek’s part, and how useful this tenuous alliance will be.

I find Crown to be fascinating. He’s essentially a conscious being who’s leashed and paraded as a trophy, because of the way he was born. And while luxurious, it doesn’t change the fact that a collar and a cage made of precious metals are still a collar and a cage. And his abilities are kind of like those of a siren. And the way you described the scene of crowd being enamoured with him, while making a mental connection with Ravy was brilliant, this blend of metaphysical qualities of his abilities and environmental effects of the song. And I’d like to think that I kind of understand why he comes off as so bitter, because if I could do what he can, especially since it’s connected to music, I’d be doing that as often as I could. But that also gives the reason why people like him could pose a danger to society (that statement made my skin crawl, I don’t like it’s implications, but still, don’t know how to put it better into words)

Kavir and Ravy’s relationship is such a loaded gun, that is full of mismatched desires, internal hurt, mis- and lack of communication. I'm just waiting to see the backfire at the most inconvenient time. 

All this is to say that, despite it being just one opinion, I’d like to encourage you to keep taking those writing risks, and keep making those leaps of faith, because in that way you create something unique.

And I acknowledge that this is wip project so changes, adjustments, and improvements are bound to happen, hell even changes to the changes will occur from time to time. Until this project is finished, and has a “complete” release it’s in a state of malleable flux.

Once again, good luck

P.S. I know it’d be difficult, but I have to ask, would there be a possibility of buying the soundtrack, cuz I’d love to get my hands on those instrumentals.

Honestly, I can’t believe how much work is being put into this vn, it’s absolutely astounding, and jaw dropping. 

The worldbuilding is so expansive, and detailed, and yet it seems to remain coherent. The protagonist and his surrounding cast, so far, are all written as complex characters with their own motivations, goals, and personalities. The supporting cast, while to a lesser extent, is also given the same treatment as the main characters. 

The story seems to be going at a very steady, progress oriented pace. And the way it’s written, it constantly sprinkles mystery, intrigue, makes one ask questions - about the characters, about the world, about the greater plots - in short, it keeps the reader engaged. Its prose, while at times rather verbose and a bit confounding (at least to me), is a strong point of this vn, and no wonder, it couldn’t be otherwise in a story about storytelling, storytellers, and their power to literally affect the world through words. 

The visuals are very distinct, and the sprite work is really detailed and expressive for all characters so far. And those sprites are put to work, changing expressions in a way in which all the characters react in dialog. Although if I were to level a piece of criticism, to me, it feels like the characters are at times a bit too static while Ravi thinks to himself, but that is also a medium limitation - a thought train that a person would have in a rapid succession, takes longer to convey on the screen, and there also is individual reading speed. Additionally while reading update 3.A I noticed that Darek’s left arm looked somewhat awkward, especially in the bicep area - however I’ll note that I may have been too scrutinizing, and I’m not an artist so my observations in that field should be somewhat disregarded. The title screen, and the CGs are great to look at. That opening shot that was added in the 3.A update is so fantastic, and brings Mass Effect nostalgia. I’ll also admit that it’s a really inspiring move to have the map of the region created, so that the reader can have greater depth of immersion and understanding of the world.

Aurally this visual novel is on another level. In the first two updates it already had a great soundtrack, but in the update 3.A the music is absolutely enchanting, enthralling even. The absolutely captivating string opening in “Ravy of the Rayan,” which continues to evoke a myriad of emotion throughout the piece. The mysterious and mystical “The Swallow” with light chimes, and what I’m guessing to be, flute. The somber string and piano opening of “Witness” which then builds into a wind instrument part, my guess would be trumpet and saxophone of some kind, accompanied by strings and piano, to then escalate to electronic version of wind instruments, which then crescendos in the piano chord, and goes back to the opening motif. Perfection, giving the noir vibe of a Bond movie, to then progress into confrontation like part, and to finish back on the more somber note. And the playful and jazzy “Since City” with its piano opening with percussion in the background, to then smoothly transition to more wind instruments oriented piece with the accompaniment of aforementioned instruments, slowly building toward the liveliest and most expressive and kind of show-off-y latter half of the piece, which then tempers out to a more piano and string oriented finish. It is a smash hit for the scene in which it’s used. Absolute aural ascension to bliss with all those pieces of music.

I also have to commend the team for programming all those complex parts into coherent storytelling devices, for crafting, what seems to be to an untrained eye, a very in-depth and yet friendly and transparent UI, and for making that Cyber Sea animation.

I don’t know what else to call this vn, other than a very polished work of passion, because I hardly believe it’s a financially viable project. Which is a great shame, because in my very humble and meaningless opinion it’s on par with the established greats of the fvn genre. Which, to show such a mantle in just three updates is undisputedly awe inspiring. I deeply hope that this project will continue, and that in time it’ll gain greater traction.

Thank you.