So i've played most of the routes now.
The route where he breaks the pen is honestly pretty depressing. Sure he's happy in the end, but that doesn't change that something he should be proud of was basically forced out of his hands. i felt like the book was ripping his soul out and killing it.
The writing is pretty good, even when most people would condemn his soul the writing tries to remind the reader that all people involved, even the evil route character, are still human that came to this point somehow. it was a nice touch, to show empathy. The route where he repeats "my weekend was totally normal and uneventful" i feel like could use perhaps a touch of something though. When she shows relief at his response, it's not clear if she's showing relief for her and her friends, for his wellbeing, or for both parties. I wish you would clarify that. Because when she first puts the light on him she says "you must be really hurt to want to do this to people" and so it shows empathy on her part. My suggestion about changing the weekend response line, is me asking if she is still showing that empathy, or was that line she said at the pass of the light over his eyes just hollow words?
last thing. when i was first playing the novel - i thought the grayed out choices were really cool. i was like "oh wow! because my character didn't show this or that trait, i can't pick that option because it goes agenst his previous character choices!" like i thought it was a powerful tool you were using...then i realize you just didn't put WIP on those parts. was less exciting after I learned that. So i thought i'd make that a suggestion to you, to think about grayed out choices a story telling tool, and not a WIP tag. Normally novels just don't show you the paths your previous choices blocked, so you're not even aware of what you've done to yourself. with this though, it can be used to drive home a an idea of "this is what you did to yourself". Also, even if you don't do that - go back and slapt WIP on those because for awhile i was trying to replay the game thinking that the gray would unlock after my character "learned more" in another complete route - like some cool replay mechanic. was disappointed to discover no such treat was in store.
So to recap.
1) The story really hits you hard at times. The good, the bad, and the fun. Kudo's. A true roleplay moment, that i feel like a lot of stories wouldn't feel comfortable letting you enjoy. Most of all things that you think during the story like "oh what happens if i do this" really gets explored, in a non-halfassed way. Evil or good, with no shaming on the choice you made. just a gentle reminder during the writing that says this is evil. a gentle one, not a "OMG YOUR EVIL" way. instead in a "we're gonna do this, and really sell the role so you can have your fun, but remember in reality this would be hurting people" kind of way. so, a great display of nuance there.
2) I just want the story to confirm of if she really meant that empathy she showed on when she pointed the light at him on the evil route. That ability for her to see the pain he was feeling hit me. and i hope it wasn't just a lie on her characters part.
3) Think about using grayed out choices as a story telling tool.