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(+1)

The writing does feel raw in many ways – punctuation, caps lock overuse, strange phrasings – and there are enough ESL-isms that it's gets distracting. A gentle but firm editorial touch to hone out the issues would help a lot; you can kind of tell that only the beginning was edited at all.

Besides surface-level polish issues, I'm kind of bothered by the game constantly explaining things. Emotions are sometimes needlessly stated (the "in my angry temper" feels extraneous when she has shown to be angry quite clearly), the flashback does a lot of slightly awkward backstory filling via characters mentioning facts about their daily lives, and the most interesting and evocative moment in the back half is told in monologue without any kind of visual representation of the events. It might be that there's just too much explained in general; the story being this short, the central conflict really needs to be in the spotlight for its emotional stakes to work. There's a decent amount of information conveyed, and you do get a sense of who these characters are (especially the protagonist, who has some good comedic bits), but their interactions in the main plot feel hard to engage with because it's all so hurried and abstract.

The premise is admittedly a creative one, especially in how it uses the game jam's theme. (A fungal network expanding wasn't my first thought when it was announced!) And while the central character design is not bad or anything, I really like the original mushroom dragon lady in your devlog – curse you, MAY WOLF's stringent rules.

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Oh thank you! I wasn't aware of it that I wrote the emotions like that. Now that you point it out. I can see what the general issue is. The usual "Show don't tell"-problem. I do not know when to stop explaining, since apparently I don't know the limit of it? I don't understand with what you mean about ESL-isms or caps lock overuse. I am not good at writing (My writing experience currently is just Package Day) and try my best with what I can do. I only had one person look it over, but they were really novice about editing. So, yeah I am sorry to hear that my story is way too novicely written and that I should have written more. I can't understand how I didn't get the feeling of "rush" in my plot and maybe for my next time creating a vn. I should look at my flow of the story. On the other note I don't know what you mean with back half not being represented with visuals? Maybe you mean the part of explaining, which it can feel like being lazy from my part.

And on last note, yeah the design of the original dragon would have been nice to use. But the rules :,D. Afterall, I am a creative idea creator, but not good at execution, since I am rather really behind all the people in writing experience area.

Sorry if my feedback wasn't clear & specific enough, let me clarify:

> I do not know when to stop explaining, since apparently I don't know the limit of it?

To me, it felt like there was a lot about the backstory of the characters in comparison to the present-day conflict. It's a tricky balance to get right, and this is just my opinion, but it felt like the story could have focused a little more on the characters interacting with each other.

> ESL-isms

Oh, I'm basically just referring to grammar or vocabulary a native speaker would likely not use that way. One example I can remember: "made the house go to fire". This kind of thing can feel a little distracting to read, although being able to use language in creative, novel ways is also a strength.

> caps lock overuse

There were a couple of consecutive lines that were in all caps (the section starting with: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!"). It's a stylistic thing, and again just my opinion, but I feel like it's best to be a little more sparing with it.

> On the other note I don't know what you mean with back half not being represented with visuals?

I mean that the mushroom wolf lady's backstory felt like a really striking, evocative part of the story, and it was sort of disappointing that it was all narrated to us by the character instead of shown with art or emphasized in some other way. As a general rule, I think visual novels really shine when the most exciting parts are enhanced with visuals or audio.

> And on last note, yeah the design of the original dragon would have been nice to use.

Yeah, it's really good! Hope you get the chance to use it if you ever work on something mushroom-related again!

Hope this clears things up and the feedback feels more constructive than discouraging; writing is difficult, as is finding your own voice and style of doing things. Good luck on your future projects!