Righteous paragon in talents says Magnaminous instead of Magnanimous
Viewing post in Path of Martial Arts (IF) comments
Writing Improvements/Mistakes:
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Tang Ruo puts her arm on the back of your head and flips himself (herself) over your charging body. She taps your spine with her foot, causing you to stumble.
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At last, you feel it. Feel the power that truly separates the mortals from those who have ascended beyong (beyond)
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He Jun shouts as his body erupts with an unimaginable for your [remove] speed.
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You glance towards Tang Ruo, yet she appears unbothered by the corpses, save for a slight aversion in his (her) countenance.
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You dig it into (in) and the taste of what seems (seemed, at first,) like plain rice amazes you.
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We don’t how she does this (it), but her rice is ten time (times) better than if any of us tried to cook the same dish.”
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Suddenly, as (though) becoming shy, she turns away her head and scratches her ear.
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Noticing you, injured yet eager to come to her aid, Ai smiles a small, barely noticeable, yet the most [remove] sincere smile, before she [remove] resolutely shakes (shaking) her head.
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Ai yells, the indignant in her washing away the guilt (the indignity she felt washing away the guilt)
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“But? without strength they? matter not.” (“but, without strength… they matter not.”)
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“So, what it is (is it) you’re saying? That those without power have no use at all?”
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Not if you (want) to make sure that something like today doesn’t happen again.
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And you are (far) from being the only one. Unlike its usual state, with only a few dozen (dozens) of disciples watching or participating in the fights, the Arena now is (is currently) almost half-full — an astounding turnout, probably the highest it has even been for an Early-Houtian contender.
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You spot Jing Guo, obviously tense and uncomfortable, squirm in his chair. ➡️ (visibly tense and uncomfortable, squirming in his chair.)
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He withstands the blow, not cut or injured, but is pushed back a dozen of steps. ➡️ (He withstands the blow without being cut or injured, but is forcefully pushed back a dozen steps.)
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“Not bad. In your stage, you’re probably unrivaled (unmatched/unparalleled). But against me, it’s (still) far from enough.”
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Tang Ruo is obviously present, sitting closed-eyes on her flying sword. ➡️ (Tang Ruo is unmistakably present, seated with closed eyes on her flying sword.)
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Whether others are too afraid of her, her wild demeanor too intense for them to handle, or her loneliness is a display of disciples’ contempt for her origin, you do not know. ➡️ (It’s unclear whether others fear her, find her intense wild demeanor too daunting, or if her solitude reflects the disdain for her origins among the disciples.)
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There also Jing Guo and Yuan Fang, conversing with each other about some matters. ➡️ (There’s also Jing Guo and Yuan Fang, deep in conversation about some topic or another.)
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Dozens of feet in length, with dark red carcass and tens of tiny little legs crawling at its sides. Two thick, long tentacle-like whiskers spread out from its face and six black as the void itself eyes stare straight into your very soul. Hissing, but with the sheer volume of its voice the noise more resembles a growl, the giant centipede raises a third of its body, its skeleton unnaturally nimble, and charges straight at you. ➡️ (Several feet in length, with a dark red exoskeleton and numerous tiny legs scuttling at its sides. Two thick, long tentacle-like whiskers extend from its face, and six eyes as black as the void gaze into your soul. Emitting a hiss that resembles more of a growl due to its sheer volume, the giant centipede raises a third of its body with unnatural agility and charges directly at you.)
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“The lizard kid and the Whore Chao’s daughter are the only, one (ones) with some amount of guts.”
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Yang Bohai then carefully studies your group with his dangerous, bloodthirsty gaze. You hear gulps all around you, even see some disciples go weak in the knees — and when the Elder’s eyes meet yours, your understand why. ➡️ (Yang Bohai carefully studies your group with his dangerous, bloodthirsty gaze. You hear gulps all around you, and see some disciples go weak in the knees — when the Elder’s eyes meet yours, you understand why.)
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There’s nothing inside them but death. But blood, gore and suffering. All people have a scent, and this old man smells of murder. ➡️ (There’s nothing inside them but death, blood, gore, and suffering. Everyone has a scent, and this old man reeks of murder.)
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No ones dares to speak either. His loud, thunderous voice has already been enough, the hint of something utterly wicked in his tone makes your skin crawl in terror. ➡️ (No one dares to speak. His loud, thunderous voice alone is enough; the hint of something utterly wicked in his tone makes your skin crawl in terror.)
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Smartly, you decide to keep silent: talking back to man like that sounds painful. ➡️ (Wisely, you choose to remain silent; talking back to a man like that seems like it would be painful.)
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Alongside a massive bomb of terrible destruction. Are you truly planning on using it, damning both your Senior Brother, who now sits with a peaceful expression, and your fellow disciples to certain death for no fault of their own? ➡️ (Alongside a massive bomb of terrible destruction, are you truly planning to use it, condemning both your Senior Brother, now sitting with a peaceful expression, and your fellow disciples to certain death for no fault of their own?)
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First of (off), this Danger Zone is quite… strange.
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If some of you (are) have (having) second/s/ thoughts, I can crush your skulls right now to rid you of them.
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We’ve already sent a few dozen disciples back (in). Two of them even came back, so quit whining.
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You look forward, towards dozens of disciples sitting cross-legged, in total mental felicity, before a young man with a zither in his hands. His long, thin fingers carefully caress the instrument’s strings and he lets out a blindingly charming smile. His features are already too pretty for a man — big, expressive blue eyes, full, thick crimson lips and long lashes that flopped with every blink — yet now, with a cute dimple on the left side of his mouth, he appears unnaturally comely. ➡️ (You look ahead to find dozens of disciples sitting cross-legged, in complete mental serenity, gathered around a young man skillfully playing a zither. His long, slender fingers delicately caress the strings of the instrument as he flashes a blindingly charming smile. His features are strikingly beautiful for a man — with big, expressive blue eyes, full, thick crimson lips, and long lashes that flutter with every blink. The addition of a cute dimple on the left side of his mouth makes him appear unnaturally handsome.)
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And when you think it’s all there is, just a pretty, androgynous youth, comes the voice. The most ethereal, the most angelic voice you’ve ever heard. A voice that grips your heart, that gently forces you to listen and refuses to let go of its hold until its finished. ➡️ (And just when you think he’s merely a pretty, androgynous youth, his voice emerges. It’s the most ethereal, the most angelic voice you’ve ever heard. A voice that grips your heart, gently compelling you to listen, refusing to release its hold until it’s finished.)
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You approach the group of Martial Artists you noticed before. A couple of disciples from your own sect are already there, drinking tea as they jubilantly tell each other stories. ➡️ (You approach the group of Martial Artists you had noticed earlier. A couple of disciples from your own sect are already there, sipping tea and jubilantly exchanging stories with each other.)
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Does (the) name Zhong Zhi ring a bell?
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Treat it as (the) senseless ramblings of your Senior Brother.
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I’ve seen far too many fellow disciples die to lack caution. ➡️ (Zones are chaotic, dangerous, and unpredictable. I’ve witnessed too many fellow disciples perish due to a lack of caution.)
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The demonic disciples stop a hundred yards from the spot of your gathering and their hungry gazes start judging you with a (an) intensity that lacks any notion of restraint.
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One man, in particular, stands out. Pale skin, sick countenance, white hair and crimson, blood-colored eyes: when his gaze lazily finds yours, your body freezes. Deep in your soul, you feel primal, instinctual fear. This man is a predator, one that stands at the apex of natural food chain. And you, to him, is nothing but a helpless pray. ➡️ (One man stands out in particular: pale skin, a sickly countenance, white hair, and eyes the color of crimson blood. When his gaze lazily meets yours, your body freezes. Deep within your soul, you feel primal, instinctual fear. This man is a predator, standing at the apex of the natural food chain. To him, you are nothing but helpless prey.)
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He leans back, grinning an ugly grin, and you, unwittingly, breathe out in relief. Now that you can think again, you realize you recognize him: he’s titled, a rarity among those who haven’t undergone their Second Rebirth, the Young Blood Hunter: his name founded in him hunting, and slaying, thousands of Martial Artists just like you. ➡️ (He leans back, grinning an ugly grin, and unwittingly, you exhale in relief. Now that you can think again, you realize you recognize him: he’s titled, a rarity among those who haven’t undergone their Second Rebirth, the Young Blood Hunter — renowned for hunting down and slaying thousands of Martial Artists like you.)
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The air around you is hot and moist, as sterling (pristine) as only uninhibited land can be. But it’s not just pureness you feel when you breathe. (Yet, it’s not just purity you sense when you breathe.)
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A quick look around confirms that you’re alone, with no one else to share your discovery with. An eventuality you were prepared with (for), but one that makes you…
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… are [remove] indifferent.
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… are [remove] relieved.
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… are [remove] excited.
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… are [remove] nervous.
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… are [remove] disappointed.
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Her/His answers only confuse you further, but you understand that the woman/man already does her/his (best) to communicate in a language she/he obviously isn’t fluent in.
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His empyrean is much more [remove] better sounding
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The old man waves, causing all the bows and the [remove] spears to be lowered down.
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The world we (we’re) in , it’s (is) called the Endless Jungle Realm.
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These outsiders are to be called Apostles of the Heavens. Because that’s who they are and that’s what their purpose it (is).
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No more words are needed (need) to be said — let the battle begin.
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But out (our) time is very limited, Apostle. Scriptures say that after your arrival into the world, you’ll have about two months to assemble the key, before terrible things will [remove] begin to happen.”
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Please, Brother (Sister) Ming Yue, you flatter me too much. The difference between us is vast and unsurmountable, enough to form a sea of inequality.
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Similar to you, another Martial Artist have (has) taken control of the natives, a man named Fu Bing.
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For a moment, you delve into your memory, trying to figure out why (what) caused the girl to behave this way, and realization comes to you soon after.
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Your sibling lowers her head, and a pink blush appears on her cheeks, before she agitatedly clenches (her) fists and replies.
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Her words, however, are interrupted by (the) startling ringing of a bell.
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instead of the houses you spent your days walking (in), there are burning, smoking structures of wood (…) and instead of that fresh, pure air there is a rotten smell of blood and death.
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because the sight of corpses that riddles (riddle) the intimately known streets rids (rid) you of your ability to think.
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“Don’t come close!” — she yells, but breathing (breaths) out in relief after recognizing you.
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There, she suddenly removes one of the wooden planks in the walls, revealing a large, (previously) concealed before [remove], compartment.
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It doesn’t take long for the owner of the voice to found (find) your family.
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He smiles, wickedly and lewdly, as he stares at the women. ➡️ (His wicked, lewd smile lingers as his gaze fixates unsettlingly on the women.)
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he swings his ax, embedding the weapon into your only parent’s skull, freezing her terrified and beginning (pleading) expression (upon her wrinkled face…) forever.
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Your sister shrieks, (a) piercing, eardrum shattering sound full of emotion, and runs to your mother’s body.
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How did this happen? How did a sunny, happy day turned (turn) into this? How? Why?…
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one that you bought and trained in secret, one that you hoped would be your trump car (card)
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Good. Leave alone (me be) for now, I need to figure some things out.
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That burned, disfigured face it [remove] still the same
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The disciple of the Omniscient Sage has also poured tea, a kind of it that you don’t recognize but with a fragrance that makes you want to take long, deep whiff. (you do not recognize the herb used, but the tea’s fragrance makes you want to take a long, deep whiff.)
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In fact, the only remaining sign of her previous poor state are (is) her (torn clothes, still) stained with blood.
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The Princess seems (distant) from her usual self: you are used to her being a lofty, almost otherworldly figure that (would) never put anyone in her eyes . (;) but now, with her unable to control her anger and frustration, the princess is much more human-like (appears far more… human).
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You wonder just how badly did Long Chen humiliate her (Long Chen humiliated her), for the imperial heir to be this irritable.
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In the battles on that level (a battle of that scale), few minutes is a lot of time.
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“Desire for knowledge and respect for those who has (have) it are essential for any educated, civilized man. Doesn’t Princess agree?”
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as (though) it was king, and everything else in the world its servant.
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He tilts his head (,) amusingly (amused) instead (,) and smiles a (confident,) light (smile.) , but confident smile. [remove]
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The two lock (locked) their [remove] gazes, with [remove] neither budging nor escalating the argument further.
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sighs (,) and sits down, palming
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For many, the princess had to explain the purpose of both to you and Xiwen. The effects make you salivate. ➡️ (Many of the artifacts required explanation for both you and Xiwen, and the princess graciously obliged. The effects of said artifacts could almost make you salivate.)
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A pair of earring (earrings) that allows its wearers to communicate with nothing but their thoughts.
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Boots (that) enhance your speed two-fold.
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“Well, will (with) all of this, we can definitely take Long Chen on”
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Although with the Princess’s riches we have a strong possibility of winning. However, our opponent this time is not an ordinary top-tier Peak-Houtian. ➡️ (Although the princess’s riches give us a strong possibility of winning, our opponent this time is not an ordinary toptier PeakHoutian.)
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There are many in our stage who can do it (so).
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Knowing that man, he will go (all) out from the start, not bothering to conserve his strength. I will do my best to exhaust his resources (,) and then, when I give a signal, I will paralyze him for a split second.
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Just remember not to be seen beforehand, the effect (element) of surprise is imperative for our success.”
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And now, when (with) her belly carried (carrying) your unborn child, (the) love you had (have) for your (her) has grown even further.
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(While) It’s (it’s) true that she always has (has always) been inexpressive, which meant (made) her every gesture of affection that much more meaningful, but you (you still) certainly could not imagine her frowning at your exclamations.
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The Blood King snaps his finger and the ground beneath you lits (lights) up
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and knocked up (my) daughter.
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And now, the third and final is [remove] step
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enough to leave them cripple (crippled) if not outright killed.
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the chains bounding (binding) you
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beside (besides) your wife dying in your arms
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His fault that you lived the last decade on a (the) run, like a pathetic criminal.
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When you’re finally done and the man who used to haunt (you) during both [remove] day and night is but a pile of scattered meat, you collapse.
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Nothing is impossible, everything is withing (within) the realm of possibility.
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Your wife, child (,) and sister dead?
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He was never one to be humble, but (right) now he seems much more (even) cockier than usual.
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but your Senior Brother looks as if the outcome of today was already set in stone and no one could a change (it) even if they tried.
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Flesh regrows on the [remove] your lookalike’s skeleton in a matter of seconds, not leaving behind even a scar.
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Her freakish, long nails dig into your eyes, her teeth biting hard into your shoulder. ➡️ (Her freakishly long nails dig into your eyes as her teeth bite hard into your shoulder.)
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One chews your flesh and gouges your sight, viciously tearing you apart in (an) animalistic fashion.
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Thankfully, the rest of the disciples is (are) occupied by your ally and you can focus on Ai and Tigress instead.
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but the poor girl doesn’t know yet just how big you (your) gains have been during this expedition.
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He’s thrown to the ground, with covered in blood Long Chen standing above him. (above him stands Long Chen, covered in blood.)
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Xiwen, (with) his beautiful face ruining (littered) by bruises (with bruises), smiles. There are (Some of his) teeth (are) missing, you notice, but he doesn’t seem to care. Instead, his earring flashes red and he spreads out his hands (arms).
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A golden, winged figure rushes through the sky at (a) terrifying speed
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Humanoid in shape, yet covered in [remove] head to toe in glistening scales . (, and) wielding a familiar to you [remove] majestic sword with blood dripping from its blade.
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Long Chen’s head on the ground, unattached to (detached from) his body, and with a frozen expression of disbelief (disbelief frozen upon his face).
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“The fact that someone as proud and quick-tempered as you attempts (is attempting) to negotiate for peace tells me all I need to know.”
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She hasn’t explained to you the pill’s effect (the pill’s effects to you) either, but, assuming from (judging by) her words, it’s something that would allow you to participate in this battle.
Writing Improvements/Mistakes:
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The fluttering leaves, the flying (of the) insects, even the moments (movements) of (the) people around you has decreased their pace (have slowed) — it takes you a moment to adjust to your new, enhanced perception (,) and you wonder just how long it’ll last and what would be the (kind of) side-effects (will follow).
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In attempts (an attempt) to retaliate, Long Chen swings his club around, but despite its might, the weapon is too slow
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Long Chen, who before (previously would have) fiercely attacked with his club, suddenly stopped (stops). His whole body froze (freezing) as he stared (stares) somewhere in (into) the distance with a blank, empty look (expression).
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Did the arrogant and honorable princess just used (use)… poison?
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The mist of blood that (was) once has been [remove] your Senior Brother condenses back into a human shape again [remove] and Long Chen, naked as the day he was born, appears before you.
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Upon contact with Long Chen’s skull, you don’t simply break through the broke (bone): such great might is hidden in your punch that your opponent’s head explodes under the impact of your hit.
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Long Chen lifeless body falls to the ground, not a sign of life in his corpse. ➡️ (Long Chen’s body falls to the ground, lifeless.)
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“Come, get up, we need to check if that monster if (is) finally dead.”
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“Alright. Let’s make a deal then. You’ll hand over the stone and we’ll bound (bind) you with (an) Energy-suppressing rope. I will guarantee your safety.”
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“I (can) depart to the underworld any time.”
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but realizing the pointless (pointlessness) of it all, swallows his words.
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When Long Chen came to you, offering a [remove] five thousand gold to join his army, you refused.
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A bum that lucked out and risen (rose) above his destined stature.
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Taking on them all alone? ➡️ (Taking them all on alone?)
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There’s a chance of her become someone important in the future. Which means, you’ll benefit a lot from ingraining yourself to her while that’s still a possibility. ➡️ (There’s a chance she’ll become someone important in the future, which means you’ll benefit a lot from ingratiating yourself to her while its still possible.)
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but Tang Ruo wouldn’t even look at you twice. ➡️ (but Tang Ruo wouldn’t even look twice at you.)
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She throws himself (herself) into the slaughter and spares no mercy.
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Five, ten, fifteen – and then a [remove] thirty more.
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They activate their wondrous skills, use tactics and even resort to, out of necessity, to the use of under-handed means like means, yet Long Chen gets up time and time again. ➡️ (They activate their formidable skills, use tactics, and even resort to the use of under-handed means, out of necessity. Yet, Long Chen gets up time and time again.)
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replaying in your head that punch again and again. ➡️ (unable to help mentally replaying that punch over and over again.)
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How many worlds you’ve (have you) traversed to find them? How many enemies you’ve (have you) made after kidnapping daughters, sisters (,) and brides? How many wars you’ve (have you) waged (…) and how many lives you’ve taken to gather them all (how many lives have you taken to gather them all)?
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Countless. And (Yet,) you don’t feel the slightest amount of remorse (,) Because (because), as you give these women a glance, you reassure yourself that all your actions have been worth it.
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But… how can you exist in this world when she was not (isn’t) by your side?
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What (All that) persists is anguish Unbearable agony as they scream out in agony (, and finally, their screams of unbearable agony echo around me…) How can they not, when all of them are burning alive?
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You look up. You feel their anger. makes the sky darken and clouds full of thunder to form (The sky darkens, clouds form, and thunder rumbles — loudly echoing their fury). And [remove] You Smirk. What can (the) Heavens do against a God?
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As (the) women begin to slowly die (slowly begin to die), their quintessential energies (being) used to fuel your insanity of a (heretical)/(insane) plan, a portal starts to form.
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but that would be akin to calling a sparkle from rubbing sticks a great wildfire. ➡️ (but that would be akin to equating a raging wild fire to a mere spark.)
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“Will it damage his (hers)?” — you query, referring to the Princess.
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“That’s a possibility, but I doubt it. To shatter arrogance as thick as his (hers), Long Chen’s club is not big enough.”
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He walked forward as (if) he owned this entire world and, in a way, you realize he really did
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(With his) Hands claspes (clasped) behind his back, Long Chen took (takes) heavy, firm steps. Hearing you approach, he turns his head and smiles (in a) friendly (manner).
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Mental alignments (ailments) can get dangerous, if left untreated.
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You used means I didn’t thought (never thought) you’d be willing to use.
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Long Chen snorts, though you don’t (know) whether he does so at (due to) your naivety or out of (feeling) insult.
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No. But, you’ve (have you) seen a masked disciple running around?
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Long Chen pursues (purses) his lips
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It’s not like I’m bursting with (the) desire to do so.
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You think I’m willing to enter that snake (Snake’s) nest? Hell no.
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Her unapologetic gaze drills you int (into you)
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All your (you) need is to restore your qi and then bend the void to your will.
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but you need you (the) fuel desperately and mortal ants are not good for anything else.
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Only now (do) you know: your entire civilization (, to him,) is a merely (has merely been) a pig that he has fattened (for consumption) , and you yourself is (are) the main dish.
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But you can’t let him see your weak (weakness).
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To glance at her again and lose her, to watch myself stray from who I was (, who I) used to be…
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If you lived in a (the) world I lived in,
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yet the choice (of) which road is (to) pick is not yours to make.
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kept together by the [remove] sheer will through angst and pain.
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You wander (wonder) if they are having the same conversation you had, with the incomprehensible man inside his mind (their minds).
Bugs:
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Health did not increase with phoenix paste between Tang Ruo & Tigress battle.
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The poem about “the harsh training required to reach the peak.” and the one about “your misfortune of being born into a decadent clan.” both use he pronouns rather than she although I am playing a female
Suggestion:
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If injured in the battle with the monster when saving the boy + we try to save Ai or Ai has a high opinion of us, add a scene where Ai heals us or treats us after everything before we start going back to the sect. Probably have it happen regardless of whether we have regeneration because Ai would probably care for us either way.
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In the Tang Ruo arena fight scene against Jing Qianfan, maybe add some options for the way we react?
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Add an extra reaction from Xiwen to some of the poems. {The love poem about him, the poems about freedom, poems about cruelty to commoners, poem about our father}: Some level of questioning, just as we questioned him on whether his poem was about himself, or maybe something that tells us more about him.
Little recommendation: You could use chatgpt to fix stuff when writing.
Ex: Tell chatgpt;
Keep everything mostly the same, simple, enhance, fix grammer, spelling, sound, and structure: {the scene}
or
Keep everything mostly the same, simple, enhance, fix grammer, spelling, and structure: {the scene}
or
Keep everything the same, fix grammer, spelling, and structure: {the scene}