Hi 'm Dee912, what do you think of the first chapter?
is it good or bad?
please leave suggestions in the comments
it will be very helpful to develop this game in the future
Lots of improvement since the earlier version, some world setting and couple plot points to look forward to.
Typos here and there, few sentences that don't seem very coherent. End punctuation missing for entire sections at times.
About suggestions, for matter of consistency I'd prefer sticking to one type of narrator because between the personal "thoughts", the first person at the start, some parts with second-person narration and third person for most of last update feels a bit messy. In the end, you-do-you.
Image prompts for the house seem more based on fantasy rather than modern/future setting (which it seems presented as by the setting recap) but at least it's colorful, a bit funny reading the TV being thoroughly described but probably most deformed objected by image artifacts.
Amnesia plot device is fine but it feels like there are a lot of crucial elements which aren't mentioned that protagonists should tell or know (Why friends didn't visit, what protagonists know about the accident etc.). Other than advancing plot no idea what to even expect yet from the game (Whether it's going to branch with routes or stay linear, rpg elements or pure novel). The sounds/music are well inserted, early sections could use some music or background noise as well.
Thank you for the detailed feedback and taking the time to review my work.
I'm glad to hear that you noticed improvements since the earlier version. I appreciate your point about the consistency in narration. I'll work on sticking to a single type of narrator to avoid confusion.
Regarding the image prompts for the house, I understand the discrepancy with the modern/future setting. I'll look into adjusting those to better fit the intended theme.
The amnesia plot device is meant to unfold gradually, revealing crucial elements as the story progresses. I will make sure to address the points about the protagonists' knowledge of the accident and the friends' absence to ensure clarity.
As for the game's structure, it's planned to have branching routes with choices impacting the storyline, blending visual novel elements with some RPG mechanics. I'll also add more music and background sounds to the early sections to enhance the experience.
Thank you again for your feddback. It helps a lot in refining the project.