itch.io

Oh, thank you, I just hope I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself in front of the entire team. And imo my statement was rather surface level, it just happened to be a bit lengthy. 

Regardless, I’m grateful that you took the time to respond to my initial comment. And for clarifying the concept behind the moments of Ravy’s internal narration in relation to passage of time. Additionally, imo you’re doing a good job with that balancing act of keeping the pace, while also giving Ravy time for reflection, that’s why I included my little rebuttal to my own point of “critique.”

Oh, I absolutely love that you’re taking those chances with prose, and am looking forward to reading what else you’ll come up with. No offence, or full offence if I’ll cause one, but imo you’re still ahead of the more testy parts of your writing when it comes down to the balancing act between more, and to borrow the word, “litfic” moments and those more snappy moments. (Ofc, I’m saying that with the understanding that action doesn’t necessarily mean sth like the scene with Kavir leaping from building to building, while having Ravy attached to his back.) However, not to discredit your writing in any way, with what you’ve shown so far you’re doing a good job balancing those moments. And to kinda comment on the “weird word salad” part of the recent itch entry - it’s just my subjective opinion, and I hope it won’t come off as disrespectful, or orientalist in any way, that isn’t my intention - one of the more enticing factors of this vn’s writing are the inspirations from the more Eastern parts of our world. I, as a “westerner,” find it very perspective broadening to see those influences, while also being unable to speak about their accuracies, and just hoping that the cultures that are being borrowed from, are done justice.

On the “greater complexity in writing of this vn” point - imo it’s a feature of this vn, you’re purposefully creating those moments in the story during which characters state things in a veiled, or roundabout ways. And I believe those moments are intended to serve a kind of setup role, to then pay off later on in the story, as you’ve said, giving them new meaning, and additional layers in hindsight (and there is ofc sth to be said about re-readability value). Or, in case of the more thorough and attentive readers, possible glimpses into future plot points. And again, I believe this story to be about the power of words, so with that it’d be a further proof that the verbose nature of prose is a feature. And on a more meta level, I read at least one of the themes of the story as playing on the importance of the narratives we tell ourselves, and that can reflect on our reality as we put those narratives into action. (But I might be going in too deep on this one)

To praise your writing on a more specific level. 

I loved how at the end of the conversation between Aerren and Ravy, in Ravy’s room, I kind of expected Aerren to leave that exchange with something cliche like “I love you” or sth like that. But no, he leaves Ravy with a stern reminder that he’s never known everything and that’s an illusion that Ravy built in his own mind (sth we get more context for in the 3.A build). So it subverted my own expectation, but it’s also a subversion of the subversion since that can also be read as Aerren indirectly stating that he loves Ravy, by equipping him with a better understanding of the situation, the world, and Aerren himself as a person. 

Darek (sidenote: I find it funny that it’s a legitimate diminutive of a Polish name) is a very attention capturing character, and not only because of his visual design. So far he’s a self-proclaimed man of principle, but at the same time he’s smart, perceptive, well connected and informed, a member of a powerful family, and working for the Corporations, so he can’t be trusted. Which is reflected in Ravy’s attitude toward him, but then he’s “humanised” by that line of Ravy’s internal monologue about Darek being even more torn between his loyalties and being even more lonely than Ravy is. But then, I as a reader have to wonder if that was an intended outcome on Darek’s part, and how useful this tenuous alliance will be.

I find Crown to be fascinating. He’s essentially a conscious being who’s leashed and paraded as a trophy, because of the way he was born. And while luxurious, it doesn’t change the fact that a collar and a cage made of precious metals are still a collar and a cage. And his abilities are kind of like those of a siren. And the way you described the scene of crowd being enamoured with him, while making a mental connection with Ravy was brilliant, this blend of metaphysical qualities of his abilities and environmental effects of the song. And I’d like to think that I kind of understand why he comes off as so bitter, because if I could do what he can, especially since it’s connected to music, I’d be doing that as often as I could. But that also gives the reason why people like him could pose a danger to society (that statement made my skin crawl, I don’t like it’s implications, but still, don’t know how to put it better into words)

Kavir and Ravy’s relationship is such a loaded gun, that is full of mismatched desires, internal hurt, mis- and lack of communication. I'm just waiting to see the backfire at the most inconvenient time. 

All this is to say that, despite it being just one opinion, I’d like to encourage you to keep taking those writing risks, and keep making those leaps of faith, because in that way you create something unique.

And I acknowledge that this is wip project so changes, adjustments, and improvements are bound to happen, hell even changes to the changes will occur from time to time. Until this project is finished, and has a “complete” release it’s in a state of malleable flux.

Once again, good luck

P.S. I know it’d be difficult, but I have to ask, would there be a possibility of buying the soundtrack, cuz I’d love to get my hands on those instrumentals.