I've had problems with that myself too. My best friend always shows up to polycule meetings, but my other girlfriend doesn't show up. Also, my mistress pulled out a collar for me when he asked me, but I had to say no because at that moment I didn't have enough submission. When I asked her she accepted, but she didn't give me the collar. I had to buy one with the word submissive on it to comply with her rule of wearing a collar unless I wanted to be punished. Has no sense.
Also, there is no way for your submissives or your dominants to attend polycule meetings, which makes no sense because they are still a part of it even if the relationship is unconventional. I mean, there's still romance involved since you go on dates and really treat each other like partners. That's another thing I miss, more D/S in your sexual encounters with them and more romance when you meet in other contexts. After all, trust and affection are still important outside of D/S scenes, even if you and your partners have decided to adopt a full D/S dynamic.
It's also a little strange that your hatefucks can initiate D/s with bondage included. That requires supreme trust and it's not like you love each other. It's fun for sure, but a little strange. You can leave if you want, of course, but still... That is, however, a good way to improve your relationship with your hatefucks. If you accept their proposals they should begin to value you more since it is certainly not a conventional sexual encounter. Whether you are the sub or the dom, this should start to improve the relationship. It wouldn't be bad either to be able to turn some of your hatefucks into fuckbuddies or even something more.
It seems that being the little spoon, as well as other things that happen to you such as your date being the one who leans in for the kiss or the one who asks for certain dominant positions, depend on a hidden variable called control. The more positive control an NPC has over you, the more likely they will be to want to dominate you in sex even if they aren't dominant, and the more likely it will be for them to be the one asking for the kiss instead of the other way.