I'm so glad you're still here with us!!!
I know exactly what it feels like to have too many things go wrong, and to believe to your core that things will keep going wrong- that all there is in the future is pain.
When the thought of killing myself was the only thing that made me feel better, I talked to people. I told the few people I trusted and I sought out a therapist as well. It didn't instantly fix everything of course but it showed me the path to recovery and helped me believe in a future where things are better.
I'm so glad you've talked to me today! You took a chance on communicating with someone and that's EXACTLY the right thing to do. Please keep taking chances. Go places with people, attend events- I know that taking chances after being hurt so badly is extremely hard, but if you keep checking the shore, you never know what the tide may bring in.
One last thing too- be your own friend if you can. For me, this took a lot of work and practice. I used to be abusive to myself in my own head. My therapist taught me to argue with myself in my head and challenge every mean thought. It was exhausting. But it gets easier if you keep doing it. Once you treat yourself like a friend, it's not so scary to be alone. Behind closed doors you can find love instead of fear.
Good luck Ellie, and I really hope you enjoy all of my next games :)