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Coombsy1796 days ago(+1)

Because you did such a great job critiquing my work I thought I'd return the favour to you.

I love a good inquisition story, and this one was great too! What a great Idea setting it up like a discourse through a futuristic email. Gave me feelings of playing a video game when you'd read the logs, to give flavour to the lore. Each "email" (vox letter? I dunno) had their distinct voice, which was great. 

I will say tonally there was an odd shift in that second email from Inquisitor Tomas, he doesn't quite sound like what I'd think an inquisitor would. "It was fun to fight the Jackals," for instance caught me off guard a touch. I would have assumed he'd be more austere, and even if he did have fun, would he admit that? Just seemed like an easy going inquisitor, and perhaps he is!

Otherwise, besides a few line editing issues (missing a capital here and there) I think it was a really wonderful read. I got drawn into the world and honestly felt like I was some lowly scum reading something I shouldn't have. Love it!

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Ormrin Sinkalte Ged - Sparrowhawk96 days ago

Thank you very much for your supercomment!:) I was and I am still afraid, that because of the form of just emails, it is without good tense. But it looks, that I at least managed to wrote that two emails as two other persons. And I aimed the whole writting to an adventre opening, which looked like it worked well, because you felt like an in-game character reading what was not meant for him. Gotcha!;)

I will rephrase the sentence about fun fighting, but did not the name of the Inqusitor remind you an IRL person (from your history education)? Torquemada was the most famous IRL inqusitor, especially because he was apparenly having fun with his work including openly talking about that. Also the mayor and even the townie exists IRL. The townie name is literal translation of the name of my birth townie and the mayor style of writting is according to one of my Students.

I will read it once more to chatch the issues which you mentioned, I will rephrase the sentence and I will add a little bit more information including pictures. Is it not a cheating to use pictures in such a story? Because of the saying, that one picture is worth of thousand words.


Please remember, that I do not have the game, so my knowledge about its lore is minimal. If you would like to read an adventure preparation for a game which I have and utmost understand, here is a folder with whole adventure preparation (for the TTRPG "Apocalypse World" which has a lore somehow simlar to Dark Grim Future of the TTRPG "One Page Rules")...: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1_nafoTYX7DDHXDip9pRLVxMess-lLXNl .

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Coombsy1796 days ago(+1)

Oh yeah, using this as an opening to an tabletop rpg, would be fantastic! And yes, it was like I was privileged to some documents that shouldn't have been in my plebian hands.

Tone and style are easy to miss and definitely come with just writing more. I find reading what you wrote aloud is not only a good way to catch mistakes but also helps in ensuring characters use their correct voices (if that makes sense). 

Yeah, it's a good use of images, may as well utilise that! 

Admittedly no, I didn't catch the history reference, but now I know, I love that. Drawing from history is always great, so many useful ideas to utilise too. pPrhaps if I listened more in class I would have picked it up, though I'm more familiar with English and Australian history being an Aussie. My knowledge past France in Europe quickly depletes, to my own sadness. 

I've played one game of Grimdark Future, but I'm really familiar with "Warhammer 40k" (which GDF draws a lot of inspo from, having a lot of the same factions in it) so that I used that as a baseline, and I'm sure "Apocalypse World" is another good one to help with. 

 

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