Post by Dingo in Moontouched Demo comments

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This is the fastest I rated a game because I am so sure of what I have experienced. 5/5 stars.

The visuals are the best in any VN I have seen so far! Nothing comes close! An EXCELLENT JOB!!!

The writing is also top notch. It matches the quality of the visuals. I love the exposition! We barely started and I already feel part of that world!

If there is anything to criticize negatively on, it might be the slight overuse of descriptiveness; Lyrically, the extra clause spent describing some things (eg smell of a damp fire) creates a bump in the reading rhythm.

It's not to say you have Purple Prose or poor execution of Thisness, The added descriptions does serve a higher purpose with immersions and shouldn't be cut, but when I compare it to this:

The scene opens to wind whipping flurries of fresh snow in a dark, kinetic, forest, with the first text that reads "When brought to the eroding edge, most cower in awe of its expanse. Brought to their knees by its pinning and left to flee back to the surface, where the hunger is but a whisper".

When I imagine wind, the air as it brushes snow, and sounds of bending and creaking wood, I hear it in the words of the opening scene. Soft plosive sounds and gentle cracking and creaking...

"when brought... cower... knees... pinning... left to flee... back.... surface, where hunger.... whisper" You can see what I mean by the soft plosives resembling the sound of wind, and even creaking wood with the word "pinning" and its long N sound.

I have no idea if it was intentional or not, but I tip my hat to you!

You should use sound and lyrical devices more often, especially when ruining the rhythm to describing certain things with the extra clause. Your writer has the talent for it, I am sure. And even then... You don't have to listen to me. It's still wonderful work regardless of my nitpickiness.

Let's see what else... I've noticed you put some good flaws and are already setting up multiple conflicts already. I'm sure we're ready to see what happens with the monsters, if the MC is ready, but I am very glad Anoam is making a journey to face his fears. I can see how he coddles the MC a bit too much eg lending the MC his own clothes to warm up. Like I said before, your exposition of showing and not telling is remarkable and I am already invested in his growth.

The tooltip regarding lore/worldbuilding is also neat, even if others may think it ruins the exposition. It is better than leaving us confused. It certainly cleared a lot up when meeting the Matriarch and our friend Ki. Please don't remove it or feel the need to add more info, it tells us just enough without ruining the mystery. Thank you for coding it in!!!

Some of the text is too small though, and I have a large monitor... Mind taking another look at that one scene?

S.Anima159 days ago (1 edit) (+3)

Thank you for such a thoughtful review and for the constructive feedback. Most of my writing has been poetry, so adapting to writing novel has been a fun challenge. Thank you for the suggestions, I'll take them to heart! My editor is exceptionally skilled haha
If you're referring to the size of the text as the MC describes a specific vine, that was intended to be the text droning out and the MC not really playing close attention to it!

Dingo159 days ago

I had a feeling! Poetry is my main calling as well. You're doing everything right, so don't sweat it! (I just realized you're a one-man studio after writing my previous comment. I am so impressed! And a little ashamed to dare criticize? But we only have 1 life, and I am sure none of us want to live with regrets, so I'll speak my mind XD).

There are a lot of guidelines out there to help people write well, some of which are incompatible with each other, so you have to take any and all advice you hear with a grain of salt. I've a foundation with poetry which helps me when I construct my own fiction writing.

I try to score myself on cadence, rhythm, syllable stresses, assonance/consonance, imagery, thisness, subtext, exposition, foreshadowing...etc Some attributes are poetic, some are for a satisfying 2nd reading. If a sentence doesn't help with my story I just rip it out and write something that will. Unfortunately a perfect score is impossible; you have to just deal with lowering the quality of one or more of these attributes to raise the others.

I will show you what I meant in my previous comment about some descriptions.

"I happily chew at the bread, the smoke of the now-doused fire at the heart of our little encampment fluttering between us".

Smoke, now-doused. -- Really great use of assonance. It just glides right off the tongue and is very easy and pleasant to read.

Imagery is really nice, and I think the varied length of the words also add rustic charm.

The rhythm of that sentence is off though, like a palpitating heart. It was the first thing that I could point to and criticize, and it came after quite a while of reading perfection. Try tapping your finger for all the syllables you read and speak the capitalized syllables a little louder, they will be the stressed ones:

"to BE or NOT to BE, that IS the QUESTion"

"I chew on the crust of the bread as the smoke from the doused fire floats in the chill of our quiet camp".

"I CHEW on the CRUST of the BREAD as the SMOKE from the DOUSED FIRE FLOATS in the CHILL of our QUIET CAMP".

Imagery remains, we add a detail about the bread (though it might even be moldy if they've been walking for weeks XD) we get some consonance that also mimics the sound of crunching on a crust of bread. We keep your beautiful assonance while adding a little more to it.

I doubt there is any more we can do to spruce that sentence up. But like I said, we lose some things... All these words are short, no more than 6 letters.... A variety of length can go a long way in keeping things interesting for the eyes and mind. This version is like a lullaby. Pleasant to the ear, but might put the readers to sleep if that's all you give them. And I am sure you already have an eager audience waiting impatiently for the next build... You can't be nitpicky with absolutely everything. So far these out-of-rhythm sentences are few and far between. Otherwise everything is just -MUAH, perfection!!!

I know the smaller font size it was intended, but it is just a little too small. Had to lean in to read it. If we're talking about breaking the 4th wall, this makes us pay more attention rather than less. I think reducing the transparency might be a better option, right? Just a thought.

itch.io

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