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Hoping for the best with your project!

The prose in this VN is pretty average. For something so beautiful, I expected more from the writing team.

A lot of things happened that didn't make sense, and no, I am not referring to the situation the characters find themselves in. I mean their emotional and rational reactions and thought processes.

I mean no offense, but is the writer (or at least the one planning the scenes) autistic? Or is the MC supposed to be autistic?

It is extremely frustrating and uncomfortable to experience the story in his POV and none of the characters are acting normally. So I have to assume the writer is the one at fault, or it was intentional because they want us to experience what it is like being in an autistic person's POV.

I recommend you take a BIG step back and put on the shoes of your characters when writing them, their motivations, and so on. This feels like a single person who doesnt know how people normally interact is playing with them like dolls.

Well pacing is just how much time you spend describing things, feelings, reaction...etc in a certain scene/moment. My advice, if a thing/feeling/reaction is important to the plot, you need to spend more time on it in order to provide all the context and make sure the reader is feeling the emotions you intended for some future plot point or scene.

It might be hard to balance pacing with storytelling properly since some scenes aren't really important to spend time on. Once again, after the party James mentions he had a bath at Dylus' house, however that never happened in your writing; he only wiped his sweat off after exercising that morning. If you can go back to that morning, all you need to do is give 1 sentence mentioning he had a bath before trying on his new clothes. Then again, he often exercises and also mentioned baths are good for healing, so if you like, you can draw a background and write some scenes. It's probably not important to the story, but it gives James an excuse to be in privacy and think about his role in the new world, so maybe readers would like that as we know what's going on inside his head. Then again, this might just be too much work for you or doesn't help with the story. You need to decide if spending more time on certain scenes will be important for the story and for the readers. As long as you are not leaving any holes (like the mysterious bath he took without us knowing) then your pacing will be fine.

I understand.

If you change your mind send me a Hi on discord, Dingo1716 or an email to thefoxyhunter@hotmail.com.

I'll just edit the dialogue lines in the ren'py code so you can  paste it into your active project's script.rpy. It'll only take me 2-3 hrs so I don't mind at all.

No need to thank or even talk to me afterwards. In a way you've helped me and I want to help you too in any way I can, so I respect your wish if you don't want it, just know I appreciate you and your work.

Aren't you that same guy that was saying the MC of Moon Touched was ugly and woke?

I'm fine with polishing things up. If I am not mistaken, he writes the script then implements it which is pretty astounding and fast! You go fast, you make mistakes... But you also have a consistent train of thought which is more important IMO as it allows you to be a better storyteller. I stopped painting on canvas because I could never mix in the right colors the next day. It is the same for my writing. Draft after draft after draft +6 times just trying to polish a chapter or string of chapters to settle a plot point neatly and tie up any loose ends or set up the right emotions for the reader... I do regret wasting so much time and effort, and in the end I still feel ashamed to show what I spent 100s of hours on. I only pass on hard advice I personally learned. Some people get polishing just right, but I see CryptidDog falling for the same perfectionist trap I struggle with, and having nothing to really show for it except taking a risk to fix something that isn't even broken.

The new Marrowyn sprite has different facial and slightly different torso proportions that it looks like another artist trying to copy his style might have drawn it. When it comes to having a variety in love interest choices, there are 4 main personality types: Melancholic, Phlegmatic, Sanguine, and Choleric. They also have recurring (archetypical-fitting) body types. Whether intentional or subconsciously influenced, Marrow fits the sanguine type, at least until the new sprite rework which introduced a touch of choleric, which totally doesnt fit his personality unless he is genuinely suffering from dysthymia and just acts all concerned. TBH emo doctor is a quirky fit, especially for a "saint" bernard.

In a little more detail, old Marrow had eyebrows at eyebrow level, but now they are much further up like some kind of receding hairline, and he lost that fluffiness at the top of his head, the larger baby-proportioned ears, and eyeglasses that seem way too small on him now, rather than everything being cutely proportionate, almost baby-like that we take sanguine types to be. Even the neck fluff has turned into a constricting boa of fat that you might associate with a villain that overindulges. I personally couldn't take it and pasted and replaced all the old sprites into the new marrowyn sprite folder. It doesnt replace every single one, but I really went that far over it.

James couldnt assume it was Benignus that will be kidnapped nor Harobes who was afraid of blood.

One of the downsides of a fast paced story is that the author has to leave out a lot of details that provide context. That is where your skills as a reader have to come into play. You need to start assuming things the author intended without getting it wrong. If done right, it can make for a good experience rather than a frustrating one, unless you hate mystery genre. Kur pulls it off, but once again you need to rely on some of your own wit. IDK if it is intentional or not, but things slip out after the fact (eg James wiped himself before meeting Dylus outside, they came in, and he got dressed for the new queen's coronation party. Only after the party does he mentioned he took a bath sometime between coming in and getting dressed. So Kur gives us some warnings that extra stuff is happening in the background, but we just dont have the time to experience it and take in the full context).

I believe the king was interested in martial arts rather than fisticuffs. The choke hold James uses is impossible to get out of if properly executed. A similar one is called rear naked choke hold, where the trick to it is ruining the balance of the person being choked. To them, they are too focused on their balance that they cant fight the choker. To a spectator it seems like theyre just sitting there taking it like a moron and wasting precious time. James wanted his job to be a martial arts tutor, so I guess he got what he wanted in the end. You just have to let it go and accept that the king fulfills the role as job-grantor in the narrative for James to like him a bit more. It's not perfectly logical, but it is great storytelling if youre willing to suspend some disbelief, as one usually ought to, coming into a world of talking animals XD

@FwdKur I'd like to fix up the spelling and grammar if you're open to it, no strings attached. Let me know if you'd like that.

Not to get too critical here, but the slower pacing in the beginning matched the mood of being locked up; I think it was artfully (and intentionally) done, was it not????

It may be hard to see this as the artist, but your older sprite work looked fine. Yes it was simplistic in a sense, but it was well executed to match (once again) the mood and voice of your writing, the some-times stale backgrounds, and the ambient yet melodic resonating songs were all woven together perfectly to set a really great mood which was matching the setting, circumstances, and scenes.

I don't know what you have planned plot-wise, but I am lacking confidence since the recent "polishing" has wiped away parts that use to fit neatly together, eg the few amazing artworks and pleasant surprises are like rewards, and the only way to make a reward feel more rewarding is to make the audience earn it/not expect it; so if we are cutting the pacing by a lot in the early parts it will impact those "wow!" moments in the future for the worse. Your fans love this VN because of those hard punches and overall harmony of pulling off the story as you have done was artfully executed. Ripping it apart to appease a perfectionist's ego won't go down well with the people who already love, respect, and support what youve made. At least wait until the end of your story to polish it up so you know your next steps and know what cracks to fill in without slipping or regretting the effort youve put in so far.

I'm loving the sounds and visuals, they really go well together. The art is bright and reminds me of my innocent youth, which was also filled with fantasies of helpful anthropomorphic animals. I'm not a "jolly" person, but I haven't always been this way; I am glad to come across this VN since I got to feel deeply happy for the first time in a long while. It has been therapeutic in a way, so thank you so much for making this VN!

Spelling and grammar could use some improvement. The sequence of events are perfect and mostly logical, the characters have solid motivations and personalities, however some moments pass much faster than others. I think your pacing needs work. This is definitely not meant to be a great work of fiction, made with great spectacle and intriguing plots, however what it succeeds at is storytelling and giving the audience a chance to perhaps relive a moment in their past in order to do/remember/wish things happened differently (the way James thinks/acts is commendable. Yes, kicking the poor Wolf's knees is not very nice... But he is a fighter, something I think all devout people are at their core, unless they are religious out of fear and just want peace in the afterlife. So yes, still a commendable character).

It's not for everyone, and some have reason to detest religion altogether since it has been used by the masses, an angry family member, the pope, or some psychotic person to justify hurting others and cover up their hatred. I'm of the mind you dont need a church, priest, or pope; your journey is between you and Christ. You can be upset with him, or depend on him at times. This VN helps to reconcile all those moments I was upset about someone dying, getting sick/hurt, losing a good job, needing to start life from scratch...etc So even if it is not a "great" VN, I am still giving it a 5 star. I needed this.

Heyya. If you read some posts by Minoh (especially the older ones) he gives some examples of logical reactions.

Taking that context, we are a powerful person who can do whatever we want to Asterion. He fears us and is very suspicious, to the point of even doubting any good intentions. For example, instead of helping him, let them take care of himself. Later on we will learn that all masters, even the kinder ones, have been strict. He thinks it improper for a master, even a kind one, to show too much sympathy.

Do not send Asterion out if you want to have good relations with him.

While Minoh takes care to think about the logical consequences of your choices, and I happen to agree that they are coherent, if you dig deeper down to your shadow, this is a very disturbing VN.

I'm a zoomer and don't particularly like this boomer version of gay portrayal. Just banging people because they happen to be gay rather than getting to know them first. Too freaking promiscuous.

And despite it all, we are still in a position of power over Asterion. I get the disgusting taste of white savior complex.

I think the story started out great. We don't get to learn more about the MC and why he remains in the labyrinth instead of going out sometimes. Surely he has a life and needs to let someone know he isn't a missing person case right?

A lot in this VN can be cut out and have no negative impact for the reader. MC and Asterion were discarded to explore new characters, but we explore them way more than MC or even the Minotaur in "Minotaur Hotel". The guests were great, but not the new character you choose or the peacock. They get a longer story than the gryphon or dragon... Sadly I see it as the mark of a bad writer if they're writing things that have no impact on the themes or story. We could easily keep them separate and both would be good stand alone, but these extra characters being heavily invested in ruins 'Minotaur' Hotel in my opinion.

This was a pretty good chapter. Caelan is pretty much untouchable now. We still have to figure out the language trick and arcane within him, or at least find a good excuse to remain mute in front of the chief who will probably try talking to him in Tigerii.

Kael, IDK if you already know this, but you have an amazing talent for writing. I know you do the art and direct the music, all of which fits so beautifully together, but no other writer comes close.

Many others use great descriptions, but none use so many thoughtful phrases. Your writing is clear, easy to absorb, and not at all out of rhythm or touch. If often takes me a while to get comfortable with new authors, quite like finding a comfortable position to sleep in, but you on the other hand make the feeling come on instantly.

There is only 1 other writer who I can read for +12 hours in a day. What's more, I absolutely love the setting and concept of this VN. Ive been a huge fan of English, Irish, Scottish, and Welsh culture. It feels homely in a profound way, as if my soul was born in those lands. The language you use, the way the character speak and interact with each other, and even some of the art/concepts make this VN feel as if I am really living among such a culture/setting. Many jokingly say Mad Max's setting is relatable to the world we are living in, but I say it with all seriousness: FBTW Really feels like a cloth of history covering my eyes, and is my perfect escape.

Im looking forward to monthly releases.

I think I am pretty done here. I don't like defending Trump because I dislike his temperament and the types of people that attracts, but I absolutely detest Kamala.

Megalomania: Noun. Obsession with the exercise of power.

Kamala was a District Attorney for San Francisco and then Attorney General. She has done terrible things during her tenure. She also applies the law differently for different groups of people. It pains me to see Americans not wanting to talk to the other side, and actors like her worsen the rift.

Take a look at a few of these youtube vids:

MDx_tGeY1nA / a2HZdUK8OF0 / GxHORNMWPmg

Trump's most megalomania moment was the "muslim" ban. In actuality, it was legally passed, and only banned travel from troubled countries dealing with ISIS/Terrorism and not countries like Indonesia or Egypt which are the largest muslim countries. A close second is pulling out of the Paris Accord, since I feel like he has no right to do that, HOWEVER if you read the details carefully, it is not enforceable. Countries like China aren't doing their part. It does nothing but put a shackle on countries that are more ambitious with their pledge. I personally think a moron wrote and signed the US' pledge. It sounds "nice" but it is nothing less than an attack on amerians prosperity when you realize all the sacrifice it takes to, for example, get net zero carbon emissions by 2050 and 50% by 2030. Since 2015 it is only down 6% and not because of a lack of trying. A big portion of that was due to covid. Youll have to force people into worse living conditions and make them eat the bugs to make progress on this front. Governments in europe and US have been bullying anyone they can. I am particularly concerned with the farmer situations. Farms in efficient countries are being closed down, but it is not like that means people can handle eating less. We will simply import it from somewhere else, that is less efficient and causes bigger environmental damage, all for the sake of virtue signaling that they reached their goal and are now clean innocent angels.

My concern with Kamala is that we have seen what happens in countries where Judges/Attorneys take control of power. There is something very fishy about someone's personality if they have taken sadistic pleasure in locking innocent people up, letting guilty people go, and being very tough on young and non violent offenders, and then still seek even higher power. She got ahead in her Attorney days by getting favors from criminals she didn't pursue, like Steven Mnuchin. Compare her rise to Donald's. Not anyone can turn a small loan of a million dollars into what he has right now. And before he even announced running,  Trump was regarded as a hero. First they made jokes about him, then they panicked and slandered him, and then tried framing him. For someone SO HATED I want to know why. Him being a Russian agent was a hoax. It got debunked. Clinton paid a Russian agent to make up fake dirt to be able to spy on him and have access to all his emails, calls, texts. They couldnt find shit and they had access to EVERYTHING. 3 year investigation went nowhere. In the mean time he was straightening out NATO, warned Germany relying on Russian gas was stupid, lowered tensions with N Korea, slowed China's aggressive fake island expansions, brought back good jobs, and negotiated better trade deals. US and the world was much better under him, and the establishment (most democrats and the rhino/lincoln project republicans) wanted him out. No wonder. He got shit done and proved it can be done. They are the swamp fearing they will be drained. That's why I think he is slandered so much. And yeah, some people eat it all up. Yes, you are right to say he has a potty mouth, I am not blind to it, nor am I blind to his shortcomings YES. I see it too!!! But I just think that is the lesser evil. And to my way of thinking, now that all these things have been debunked, he was almost assassinated, and he has nothing to gain from running, it makes me wonder that maybe all this slander is coming from evil people trying to manipulate my opinion of an effective leader.

They said he'll do bad things if he wins 2016. He didnt. Far from it. Now they say it again. I just dont believe it.... I dont have the memory of a fish. If you want to read about his exploits go right ahead. Tell me he is a racist. I still think he is by far the lesser evil than what is going on in the shadows.

Again, a matter of perspective. All I care about is deeds, not words. Trump doesnt exactly fit the bill... Unless you know little about both him and Kamala. And im not saying he is a saint either. He is someone that can win, that is actually the republican nominee so we cant vote for another.... Id love to vote in someone else who isnt a buffoon, but they dont have what it takes to win. At least try to find some humor. Biden wasnt the horse I bet on either, but I found him hilarious. I dont get the animosity towards the other camp at all. We're all trying our best to move forward and do whats best for each other. Cast your vote for who you believe will make things better, it is as simple as that.

Id love to vote for someone else... But no one else can win... As they say... It is a choice between the lesser evil, and we all have our perceptions.

Not happy with his progress on healthcare either. But in terms of economy and some foreign policy, I can get behind. Since I feel like the US is in a bad place economically, and there is a lot of tension in the globe, Id say put Trump back in and let him try to fix it his way. Biden/Harris had their chance and things got worse under them. Again, IDK if it is their fault or something more vague, like coming into office on a bad chapter... But theyre in office and things havent been great. I dont see how I can vote for it again.

I don't think trump is a megalomania. He gets criticized, shot at, and loses money. A megalomania would have quit by now and spared their ego. Kamala buys fake supporters, plugs her ears at criticism, and her networth quadrupled since she became VP. She thinks she does an amazing job when putting in minimal effort, but Trump keeps trying to push policies and goes the extra mile, as if he thinks he hasnt done enough yet. --Not because he feels like HE is missing, but because he feels like the AMERICAN PEOPLE are being cheated. He is crass, but at least he fights in our corner. Id like a strong man in that case, even if he is rude, disrespectful, and makes people hate him.

I have knowledge about Harris... I just didnt feel like posting it all. But there is a concerning amount of backtracking with her. It is no secret, she takes donations from private people and companies. She can be bought. Trump cant. He's never walked back on policy. We know what we are getting with Trump. We cant be sure what we are getting with Kamala.

Trump getting things done: Takes out ISIS in to time. Bringing back manufacturing jobs that Obama said would never come back. Lowest unemployment rate for +50 years.  +30 moths straight where more jobs opened than people looking for jobs. Many records shattered, eg +30% GDP growth in 1 year. A lot of things he did with the economy helped minority communities especially. Even before he was president, he was doing so much for them. Rosa Parks, Muhammad Ali, and even Trump were awared Ellis Island Medal together. More than that, USA was respected eg China backing off the trade war, europe engaged in better trade deals, and redistributed a lot of food to struggling communities.

I will give credit to Kamala for handling some of the medical crisis in the US. However, I am overall not satisfied with what they promised and what they delivered. IK I can't demand Biden keep his promise of finding a cure for cancer, but they could have at least tried harder, especially when everything else is going to shit, they can't get 1 thing right when they said they were going to focus on it. Instead they are buying out votes based on groups like student loan debt relief or more recently no taxing on tips, WHICH KAMALA PASSED as the tie breaking voter in the first place!

I think you are right about voting for the lesser of 2 evils. And it depends on personal preference what you find is unacceptable or acceptable. I dont want Trump as president. Not unless he shuts the fuck up, but then again it is that crass personality that won the US many trade deals and negotiations. But I dont think the US can handle any more loss... Virtue signaling isnt enough to pay the bills. When people dont know how theyre going to afford their lifestyle they get anxious. If theyre already poor they have no choice but to resort to crime. Of course we all have some sympathy for criminals because they arent fully responsible for their situation, but the radical left needs them in order to virtue signal and scapegoat the bourgeoisies, and thats all the policy I see from the democratic party... It scares me to vote for the side that wants to plunge the country into hell so that some people can feel morally good about themselves. IK feeling good about being materially rich is no life worth living either, but tell me who that harms???? The jealous. That's it.

Kamala has a seriously BAD history. She strikes me as a megalomaniac. IDK what she has done as VP. That's is the bad news... No damn impact. I want to see progress and change for the better. She hasn't shown anything. That's a red flag to me. IDK if it is the global situation, or caused by her/biden administration, but the US is facing a lot of challenges. IDK whether to attribute them as their fault or blame something wider/general.

Let's talk about Trump too. He strikes me as a crass loud mouth. I'd hate to invite him with my friends, but if it were just the 2 of us shittalking? Yeah I'm down! He lacks all the decorum and respect I expect from someone who is supposed to be president, let alone in government. However he gets things done, that I can respect. In terms of peace and economy, he is the greatest leader the US might have ever had since WW2-60's.

I dont give a damn about identity politics or the sins of our ancestors. Black card, woman card, slave owner, rich businessman, or unfaithful cheater. Show me your competency and track record when running a country. I don't hold you accountable for things youre not responsible for. I dont give you credit because you got lucky/unlucky being born to a good/bad family. Just show me can do the job and you'll get my vote.

I'm not woke and I think the MC looks ok. Not all gay people are femboys. Some, unfortunately, even look like you. I meant on the inside...

I had a feeling! Poetry is my main calling as well. You're doing everything right, so don't sweat it! (I just realized you're a one-man studio after writing my previous comment. I am so impressed! And a little ashamed to dare criticize? But we only have 1 life, and I am sure none of us want to live with regrets, so I'll speak my mind XD).

There are a lot of guidelines out there to help people write well, some of which are incompatible with each other, so you have to take any and all advice you hear with a grain of salt. I've a foundation with poetry which helps me when I construct my own fiction writing.

I try to score myself on cadence, rhythm, syllable stresses, assonance/consonance, imagery, thisness, subtext, exposition, foreshadowing...etc Some attributes are poetic, some are for a satisfying 2nd reading. If a sentence doesn't help with my story I just rip it out and write something that will. Unfortunately a perfect score is impossible; you have to just deal with lowering the quality of one or more of these attributes to raise the others.

I will show you what I meant in my previous comment about some descriptions.

"I happily chew at the bread, the smoke of the now-doused fire at the heart of our little encampment fluttering between us".

Smoke, now-doused. -- Really great use of assonance. It just glides right off the tongue and is very easy and pleasant to read.

Imagery is really nice, and I think the varied length of the words also add rustic charm.

The rhythm of that sentence is off though, like a palpitating heart. It was the first thing that I could point to and criticize, and it came after quite a while of reading perfection. Try tapping your finger for all the syllables you read and speak the capitalized syllables a little louder, they will be the stressed ones:

"to BE or NOT to BE, that IS the QUESTion"

"I chew on the crust of the bread as the smoke from the doused fire floats in the chill of our quiet camp".

"I CHEW on the CRUST of the BREAD as the SMOKE from the DOUSED FIRE FLOATS in the CHILL of our QUIET CAMP".

Imagery remains, we add a detail about the bread (though it might even be moldy if they've been walking for weeks XD) we get some consonance that also mimics the sound of crunching on a crust of bread. We keep your beautiful assonance while adding a little more to it.

I doubt there is any more we can do to spruce that sentence up. But like I said, we lose some things... All these words are short, no more than 6 letters.... A variety of length can go a long way in keeping things interesting for the eyes and mind. This version is like a lullaby. Pleasant to the ear, but might put the readers to sleep if that's all you give them. And I am sure you already have an eager audience waiting impatiently for the next build... You can't be nitpicky with absolutely everything. So far these out-of-rhythm sentences are few and far between. Otherwise everything is just -MUAH, perfection!!!

I know the smaller font size it was intended, but it is just a little too small. Had to lean in to read it. If we're talking about breaking the 4th wall, this makes us pay more attention rather than less. I think reducing the transparency might be a better option, right? Just a thought.

This is the fastest I rated a game because I am so sure of what I have experienced. 5/5 stars.

The visuals are the best in any VN I have seen so far! Nothing comes close! An EXCELLENT JOB!!!

The writing is also top notch. It matches the quality of the visuals. I love the exposition! We barely started and I already feel part of that world!

If there is anything to criticize negatively  on, it might be the slight overuse of descriptiveness; Lyrically, the extra clause spent describing some things (eg smell of a damp fire) creates a bump in the reading rhythm.

It's not to say you have Purple Prose or poor execution of Thisness, The added descriptions does serve a higher purpose with immersions and shouldn't be cut, but when I compare it to this:

The scene opens to wind whipping flurries of fresh snow in a dark, kinetic, forest, with the first text that reads "When brought to the eroding edge, most cower in awe of its expanse. Brought to their knees by its pinning and left to flee back to the surface, where the hunger is but a whisper".

When I imagine wind, the air as it brushes snow, and sounds of bending and creaking wood, I hear it in the words of the opening scene. Soft plosive sounds and gentle cracking and creaking...

"when brought... cower... knees... pinning... left to flee... back.... surface, where hunger.... whisper" You can see what I mean by the soft plosives resembling the sound of wind, and even creaking wood with the word "pinning" and its long N sound.

I have no idea if it was intentional or not, but I tip my hat to you!

You should use sound and lyrical devices more often, especially when ruining the rhythm to describing certain things with the extra clause. Your writer has the talent for it, I am sure. And even then... You don't have to listen to me. It's still wonderful work regardless of my nitpickiness. 

Let's see what else... I've noticed you put some good flaws and are already setting up multiple conflicts already. I'm sure we're ready to see what happens with the monsters, if the MC is ready, but I am very glad Anoam is making a journey to face his fears. I can see how he coddles the MC a bit too much eg lending the MC his own clothes to warm up. Like I said before, your exposition of showing and not telling is remarkable and I am already invested in his growth.

The tooltip regarding lore/worldbuilding is also neat, even if others may think it ruins the exposition. It is better than leaving us confused. It certainly cleared a lot up when meeting the Matriarch and our friend Ki. Please don't remove it or feel the need to add more info, it tells us just enough without ruining the mystery. Thank you for coding it in!!!

Some of the text is too small though, and I have a large monitor... Mind taking another look at that one scene?

My issue is he looks more feral rather than cartoonish/cute. I get the ick from him now.

Your profile pic is of the old sprite lol

Not really liking the new Marrowyn sprite. Why the change?

When MC returns, he talks to Loken in the school, then goes to Aeyon. They talk for a while with the car in the background.

When I try to read the script, my eyes play a trick on me. The Mole's dark pink head turns a shade of green to match with the car and collar of his jacket.

Is it just me or is his head changing into a green color for you too?

AI generated art tends to feel disjointed with reality. It slaps on the familiar, but it has no concept of beauty. Things will feel tilted, unaligned, and very unintentional, like an amalgamation of dreams. The quality will surely suffer if you go down that route.

I personally don't take issue if they're meant to be placeholders, concept art, or if you're experimenting with a change of ambiance before you invest into it properly.

However, AI art is not at that level of quality to evoke deep and complex emotions with your viewers. It shouldn't be used as a replacement for human generated art. I'm not saying that to give artists a job. AI Art really feels like it has no soul and is boring, even when you compare it to an artist that isn't particularly skilled.

Apparently I cannot host a fan game on Itch due to its rules. Plus I just realized (at that time) that Kael does not want fan games. Especially ones that use his art, credit or no. (I've heard that from another fan game developer). I kind of respect that, so I've decided to put my project on haiatus. Maybe do it in a slideshow. Maybe be cheeky and release it all in 1 update and then close it down since I've gotten so far. Or just host the file on a sharable google drive link. Either way, project has been paused. About 3 weeks ago RL got busy. I'm taking on more and more responsibilities with the family run business (it's not my idea. But I had my chance to earn money by myself and that didnt go too well). The good news is that the late months and early year is our peak season. I'll have breathing room then. Otherwise I just want to spend the 3-4 hours I have every day relaxing. Sometimes I do unwind by writing, but it won't be for the fan game. It'll be what interests me. Here's my furaffinity just in case you dont want to miss anything: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/teachmehowtodebkeh

Been looking forward to this!

Well? I'm waiting!

Looking forward to it!!!

I'm really impressed with your English skills thus far! If you like, just focus on editing a few passages and see if you notice an improvement. Like I said, the clause placement in some of your sentences need to be reversed, and there are a few opportunities to contract some sentences. If you can improve the sentence structure, then inserting imagery should come more easily.

Original: "It's already hard to move from the cold, and yet there are many more miles of walking left. You are sure you are going to freeze to death, but you prevail".

That passage looks like it could use an edit.

I love the attempt at a contrast in the second sentence, but it is actually a false contrast. You can fix it by changing how you used (", but"). Here's an example: "Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

Given the context of the second sentence, you want to reverse the clause in the first sentence to elevate the foreshadowing. This is how it will work out:

"There are many more miles of walking left, and the cold makes it hard to move. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

I know it hardly seems great now, but it gives you something to work with in your next draft when you need to insert imagery or set the pacing.

"Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, you prevail".

I'm sure you noticed another problem even though structure, flow, and imagery have been improved slightly... Shifting from first to second person is a bit disorienting. Generally speaking, you should pick a point of view, then stick to it. I've already seen comments about it, so I feel like there was no need for me to call it out. I didn't feel like stealthily editing it without pointing it out to you first, though.

Here it is in first person "Ceaseless miles of snow left to trample; The biting cold saps each step I take. Despite the near certainty of freezing to death, I prevail". Hope these tips helped. I think I will stop now XD

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Oh, I haven't mentioned anything about the art because it is actually nice! I hope the style won't change much since you really got the aesthetic of a fairy tale nailed down. That alone is worth a 5/5.

Really interesting spin. As someone who enjoys all kinds of fanfics, I'm looking forward to future public updates and seeing how this plays out.

I will give some heads up to other prospective readers and tips for the author. I do hope you won't find this disheartening, but use it to enjoy/improve this VN.

The prose feels quite offbeat. I have a suspicion that English isn't your first language, but I could be wrong. Forgive me if I sound like I am treating you like a baby, but I genuinely want you to improve your writing.

The most common issue you have is putting the important clause at the end of your sentences. "You give it your all and you keep going, one heavy step in front of the other" can be rewritten as "One heavy step in front of the other, you give it your all and keep going".

A clause is an idea; A comma separates two related ideas; A period signals the end of related ideas.

You have many sentences that can be immediately improved just by putting the last clause first. Moreover, when rearranged this way, it can give you more opportunities for vivid imagery when it comes time to write your second draft.

Example of a 2nd draft rewrite: "Kicking up snow-scuffed boots, you plow through pristine powder, creating a knee-height chasm behind you".

I know it sounds funny when reading it aloud, but we tend to stutter on our plosive consonants when we are c-c-cold! It gives a silly stuttering effect that almost seems unintentional, but so relatable.

I'm sure other readers would love it if you made use of other literary techniques, like using internal rhyming words to show the cheerfulness of the characters, or if you needed to express danger, then end your sentences quickly to cohere with the fast pace. If it's too fast, try using assonance to help improve flow and really try to take your time with a thesaurus.

Another quick one I came up with, where I used S sounds to highlight snow and H sounds to highlight happy feelings, combining both to make a happy wintery scene "Sunlight sparkled on the snow-covered fields, creating a shimmering spectacle. Happy shouts filled the air as skiers slid down the slopes, their laughter, a counterpoint to the soft hiss of sleds carving gentle trails. A serene sense of happy contentment saturated the scene, a perfect blend of winter fun and peaceful beauty". You should do your own for the tone that's right for you (and maybe not exaggerate the effect like I did. I exaggerated to make sure you get it). This trick can really help your readers breeze through long text without it getting boring. I must remind you I mean no offense, but reading your VN was a bit of a chore and it was sad to see opportunities slip by.

There are gems just waiting to jump out of your visual novel; you just have to joggle your clause placement to notice them. Sadly though, I would not say the quality is worth the patreon support yet.