I enjoyed this one a lot! It felt very well-scoped to me, neither stretched or cramped to meet the length requirement. I wouldn't mind seeing some of the writing "punched up" a little (my preference is for more descriptive detail and sections of the story hewed a little close to "this happened. then, this happened") but your use of fragments at the beginning did a good job of setting the tone and the tight character focus made this a highlight of the jam for me.