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Well, I've started playing version 0.2, and I have to agree with what was said in the previous comment. The dialogue is really hard to read, and that's mainly due to the super long sentences without any punctuation. And even the short sentences could use a comma here and there.
I then tried to fix that by editing the rpy files in my copy. That's the next point, because it's not necessary to limit each line of source code to 80 or so characters and continue on the next line.

Also, the next text that a certain character says (or thinks), the character variable must precede the dialogue text.

Then, a very common habit I see in many Renpy source texts is the misuse of jump statements that just lead to the next executed line. These jumps could either be omitted completely or replaced by a pass statement, e.g. to simply leave the menu option empty.

Okay, the last one for today. There is the possibility to increment the variable Saeko_A infinitely by always choosing the first option during the shower play without ending it. I would recommend placing the increment statement after the label jay_finger_saeko_anus and also include it in an if-clause like "if Saeko_A == 0:". This way it could only be incremented by 1 in this situation.

I'm off to place more commas and full stops. :)

Mr.J159 days ago

Sorry it took a me a bit to reply to this,

I try to keep the grammar mistakes as minimal as possible with spellcheckers and grammar fixing programs, but they don't seem to catch everything. Honestly, I don't have any prior experience in writing or coding. I'll keep trying to improve my grammar and writing as much as I can, but I'll still probably miss a few.

Thanks for the code suggestions I'll check them out.

As I said I don't any prior experience with coding, I'm basically learning all this from google and youtube. So any advice on how to make this easier is greatly appreciated :)

8XMMe156 days ago

In the meantime, I had time to revise my first approach to the second comment. This was also necessary to avoid it becoming TLDR, although I'm almost certain I failed at that. So this is a little bit about the obstacles that the story entails and the graphics.

Spanning a gap of 18 years can be quite a challenge if you continue to use the same models. Apart from the MC (and his sisters, of course), all the other characters don't seem to age. The most obvious example of this is Detective Tamara, who looks like she's in her twenties throughout the game.

I know it can be difficult to make the female models look like they belong to different generations, but it doesn't seem right to do this just by making the girls shorter. After all, at the age of 18 you are an adult, not only legally but also physically. Also, I'd think the heights of the characters should be consistent. Example: In the clothes store Deborah looks to be taller than her mother, whereas in other scenes it's just the opposite. And there are a few pics where Juliet seems to be about 8 inch taller than Vanessa, not so much on all others.
Alright, strange positioning: first Vanessa's feet, in the living room with the MC and Tamara. She's wearing high heels, but her feet are flat on the floor. A little later Sandra comes in, also in high heels, but her toes are sinking into the carpet (one picture), or just her shoes (another picture). The positioning of arms and legs that I noticed is simply inappropriate in the respective situation. At the beginning of the party, Sandra crosses her legs in an un-ladylike way while wearing a skirt, and in the living room, the MC holds his left arm around Saeko and puts his hand on her chest.

The last two points are about hair issues and some recommendations that are probably down to my personal taste. I noticed some pics where Vanessa, Laura and Saeko's hair gets intermixed with the clothes. I'd think Juliet's butt is a bit too much, both in the leather pants and the next day in the kitchen. And Lily would probably look better if she wasn't wearing that dark eyeshadow with her tinted black glasses. I'd recommend a very light-coloured eyeshadow and/or a thinner frame for her glasses.

I'm looking forward to the next update and hope it wasn't too much criticism.

Good luck and have fun.

Mr.J156 days ago

I did mess around with aging characters like tamara and vanessa(after I posted V 0.1), but I couldn't really get them to look a way I would be satisfied with. I came up with an idea that will address this in the next chapter, can't give any details to it yet, but hopefully readers will enjoy it.

As for the inconsistencies of height and positioning. I am currently fixing those.

For the character proportions I can't really promise on changing that, since I would need to adjust said character for every render their in. for example I changed Juliet's sleeves(They looked like she was wearing cones) on her shirt from the party and that took me hours. I can try out your suggestion for the makeup and glasses for Lilly in future chapters.

As long as people are respectful with their critiques and input, I don't reading it no matter how long or short it is. Thanks for reading

itch.io

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