I'm saying this with the best intentions, so yeah, it's not going to be flattering, but I think it's more useful than a comment saying "all is well", so here it goes:
while the characters are very pretty, they kinda' felt...flat? :I Perhaps I didn't give them enough time, but I feel they should be more interesting from the get go? (I'm relatively patient and I actually like slow burns, so imagine when sb. is not/doesn't!)
The beginning of the story (events on the second floor) sounds good on paper, it just doesn't land for me. Where is the tension? I didn't feel worried, intrigued or excited for a second... Again, I don't mean to offend, but the whole thing was just so jejune, it def. needs some amping! :v
Maybe I'm not exactly your target audience; not sure if this is some kind of niche (vampire romance on ketamine) or what, but I'm sure you don't want to lose potential players and I rarely drop games but I did this one :<
TL;DR: Grab players' attention harder in the beginning, give more personality, excitement or feels!