Alright. I will try to be as objective as possible to help you improve as far for the future of your project.
1. Grammar: You need to polish it a lot. I have been noticing many deficiencies in this topic mostly due to the lack of capital letters and punctuation.
Another issue could be the colors of the character names. I think this may be due to the use of the blank text box, since the name of the characters can vaguely be displayed at least from my perspective. (I think in the the renpy launcher has the ability to change the GUI theme without creating a new project.)
2. The story: In part is okay but the execution is not very interesting, this may be due to the lack of sounds or possibly due to the lack of some sprites or scenarios that represent the narration of certain parts of the story.
3. The music: I don't have any negative points about it, in fact I think it goes well in each corresponding scenario. Because is one of the strongest points that the VN has that made me continue reading the entire story.
In itself it's not a bad VN but it can improve.
Is understandable since it is your first project but it's appreciated that you have published a fragment of what will be your future game.
Keep it up and don't get discouraged, I know you can improve for the next update!