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(1 edit)

You have an interesting mind, and stories that are captivating with interesting people in it.

But your games are very short, and your characters speaks a bit too bluntly, they're a bit too open about what they want and too straight-foreward in getting it.

I feel like you're still learning to write well.
(Tho your art is good.)

If you want to improve your writing, try check out Brandon McNulty on YouTube. His videos have helped my writing a lot.
Focus on dialogue writing. He has some good vs bad dialogue videos I think will help.

That said, your stories are actually very good. They pull you in.

I just wish you made some of it longer.
(Like the boy on the buss stop --I really loved that game. And that guy. ^_^ )

And if you want to study a good yandere, try Sebastian from Particles of Reality (Steam), or Sol from The Kid in the Back (itch). 


Sebastian is really sweet, Sol is better for more creepy stories while still being sweet.
As an example of behavior I mean.
Your character in the buss stop game was absolutely adorable. He was just a tiny bit too obvious and pushy to make for a prolonged game where you slowly discover just how twisted his mind is.

The 'beast' has a very strange name tho.
Is it a real name in spanish that just doesn't translate well?

I like your stories.

And while I don't get why you don't tell your love how horrible people act towards you (or suggest he posses another human so you can be together in the human world) there is at least a fairly happy ending. ^_^

This game I get why is so short.
The story fits it.

But I will still poke your cute face until you write more for the Stranger from the Buss Stop.

*poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke*  ^_^

(2 edits)

Hey there. I'm not the creator of this game, but I am a hobbyist creator in my spare time. I just want to let you know that giving unsolicited advice is generally NOT considered good practice, especially when it comes to indie games that are made in the creator's free time and pure love.

If you feel like the dialogue is too blunt, you could have expressed your opinion and left it at that, but you really don't need to bring up "recommended lessons" or "studies" on how to do things "right", especially if you don't know whether the creator intended whatever it was that you didn't like.

Also, it ABSOLUTELY isn't good practice to bring up the work of other creators in the comment. It's one thing if you know the two creators are friends, but usually, such mentions just end up being awkward for both parties.

Whether or not it's appropriate to call a stranger "cute" will not be my judgment to make, as different creators have different standards when it comes to boundaries with their audience.

I hope this doesn't come off as scolding or anything. I'm sure you mean well and that you genuinely believe you're helping, but good intentions do not justify the repercussions of your words. There are those who truly want to learn to "write better" and there are those who simply want to share their stories with the world. There are objective standards by which writing can be judged, such as grammar, and there are creative choices that are entirely a matter of preference, such as the "bluntness" of dialogue and how "straightforward" a character should be.