I had a lot of fun with this! I thought that you used language well to establish and maintain a consistent tone; I can’t think of anything that dispelled the story’s illusion offhand. The pacing worked well for me because it seemed like I could tell the difference between scene-setting passages and gameplay (for lack of a better term) passages without the seams being overly obvious. I don’t think that it would take nearly as long as two hours to read this without distraction or hunting for every single thing hidden in the parser.
Regarding the sex scene: it didn’t feel like an abrupt departure from the rest of the story, which I would consider a positive mark. I personally would have liked kinkier options - a whole tailor’s shop presents no opportunities for the lovers to tie each other up? I can’t intentionally kneel or crawl or beg? - but that has nothing to do with the quality of the writing. It was still very sexy!