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Mert and Artyom are rivals, and they try to outspend each other for Finn, that’s the reason behind it.
As for the secrets, I should mention that I still want to keep the game’s vibe fun and comedic for now. I also didn’t want the reader to think they were about to play a horror game because it's not horror. But the story is serious and will gradually become more mysterious and deeper. So, I hope you’ll look forward to future updates because this is just the beginning!
I agree with the problems mentioned here. Even though i'm really enjoying the story so far, i can't tell what this story is about, is it a paranormal mystery, a disney/TLC love-comedy, i'm not sure. The twists and turns make it very entertaining and unpredictable both in a good and bad way.
The good way is that it makes the story very different from everything else i've read so far and i love the characters, and how well written it is. It's slowly becoming one of my favorite visuals ever.
The bad way is that at the rate you are going, the story will became a jumble mess of pointless plotlines, plotholes, and chaotic mess of stuff just randomly happening for no reason, like the Mert vs Artyom goalkeeper match (it was very funny but all the Inazuma Eleven special attacks came out of nowhere).
I think you should try to think about what story your are trying to tell, what are the general goals (beginning, middle and end), and focus on building up the characters and story plotpoints from there. Using Adastra as an example, it's a story about a human that was kidnapped by a wolf and as to help him with a political dispute in his home moon in order to return to earth. With that general idea, now you can decide who are the antagonists, what are they doing to prevent the human from returning to earth, who's helping, etc. and then try to imagine how you get from one point to another in a way that makes sense.
TLDR: The characters and overall story is really good, the writing is amazing and the general idea in the first two builds was very compelling, but this last build despite being entertaining, is all over the place in plot size and direction; needs fixing before it becomes a problem. Make clear what's going on in the plot and let it progress slowly in order to flash out the story and character dynamics better, i have no problem with the romance but the whole chosen one and Finn's personality swinging left and right (by that i mean his materialism and how he goes from defending his sister and her friends, to not minding Artyom insulting them, even if he's mad at her) it's not that great, you need to make Finn's personality consistent. My advice is to revise the story so far, and remove the unnecessary.
That's about it, love the your story so far even with the yet small problems and hope to see more from this, don't give up and keep trucking. Good Luck
Small edit: maybe create an email account or space for suggestions, they might help. I have some ideias for small changes you can make, but don't really wanna write it here.
Everything that happens in the game has a reason. Even every sentence that is spoken has been placed with a purpose. I'm just showing the pieces of the puzzle one by one, and at some point, there will be enough pieces to understand the story.
The game's goal is to create an exciting and fun journey. That's why the tone of the story might change at times so that I can continue developing the narrative alongside it. This fun itself is a part of the story, and I can't tone it down...
Finn was angry that day because Riley had gone without him, and Riley expected him to come and apologize. That's why this time, he was already frustrated and let Artyom insult her. But later in the game, we see that he still loves his sister, and they make up. Though Finn might change along with my mood, I'll try to keep his character the same.
