There are a couple of spelling and grammatical errors, but nothing too distracting. I'd be happy to help with proofreading, by the way. I don't do it professionally, but I do write in my spare time.
I've never been a fan of long intros to games, but this one was actually pretty nice to read through. The way you framed the interactions between Jillian and her friends is nice, too. I can see the issue from both sides. Jillian looks like a bitch, and we see how it makes her friends feel, but we also see how quickly everyone drops her, and how that makes her feel when she's just worried about being her best. It's good, it doesn't feel so one-sided. Nobody's really the bad guy here. She's unaware of her faults, not maliciously intending to hurt them.
I don't think I need to point out how stunning the artwork is. Wonderful music, too. I could sit on that title screen all day and just listen to it.