I sell someone here that has taken some writing classes/tried to get their book published. A couple of story beats where a little too bluntly expressed for my liking. For example Richard wouldn't introduce himself as the head of the illegal gambling mafia. But it's understandable, since you can't write several chapters slowly hinting things and expect raters to read it all.
Looks like you have already mastered the trademarked telltale inconsequential choices and dead ends :)
The presentation was very cool.
Also writing a password in plain text even for an application this inconsequential is bad form. Cheaters gonna cheat and hackers gonna hack.