hi brian!
You have a really strong sense of action here, and I think it's all going in a good direction. Some things that would help with readability and engagement have already been pointed out by others: editing for consistency in perspective and editing for length. The passages are a bit too long and have the player scrolling up and down too often, which is disorienting. You have hints of a really engaging setting, so I'd recommend expanding on that more and including more detail. Otherwise, the prose is very readable, and the action choices feel like they have weight. Looking forward to seeing where this goes!
-jess