Post by wumeja in Straight!? comments

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This VN has the potential to become something extraordinary. The effort and care put into this work is plain to see!

Aaryn, you mentioned in some of the comments below that you still consider yourself amateur. If that is the case, then this story is evidence of your rapid evolution as an author. It's getting better and better.

I hope once you reach the end, you will take the time to go back and polish the story - it deserves the TLC.

Here's some observations I had while enjoying the story. I think they are areas which can be improved in order to bring this story to the next level.

- The "voices" of Zack, Braden and Mikhail often blur together, especially during longer expositions. In contrast, Max's voice is very unique, likely because of his personality, but his talking style jumps off the page. You could remove his name from the dialogue, and you would know it was him. It may be worthwhile to add certain quirks and distinguishing styles to the speech patterns of the main characters.

- During exposition of certain more complex thoughts and ideas, the dialogue no longer reads like something a real person would say. It's fine for internal thoughts, but it's weird during conversation. This leads to an awkward contrast between casual social interactions and discussion of serious topics, where the characters, especially Zack and Mikhail, suddenly start sounding like professors giving a speech.

- Perhaps you are "too kind" to your readers. I love that you described this story as a "slow burn". It is perfect for the type of story you are trying to tell. However, conflict in the storyline is too neatly resolved for a true "slow burn". Almost as if you are trying to make each episode's conflicts self-contained.

Be more cruel to your audience. Drag out conflicts, make them far messier as plotlines merge and intermingle. A good example would be the incident involving Zack, Braden and Cody. There was so much opportunity in that situation to explore the different angles of that misunderstanding, especially if it had been allowed to fester. Every author loves their characters, but excellent fiction happens when you don't shelter them under a protective umbrella. Let them get hurt and suffer from the mistakes they make. Your readers will hurt and suffer along with them, but that will make the resolution all the more memorable.

- The timeline for forming of deep soulmate level relationships is accelerated to the point of being unrealistic (as a reader, I can suspend disbelief, but it's better not to rely on this too frequently). Time has to be allowed to pass for this to feel authentic. The good thing about the format of a VN is that it's rather easy to impart the feeling of passing of time.

I think this story shows that you have a spark of something special. I sincerely hope you will find some value in my observations. It is meant as feedback and not criticism - the story is very good, and on the cusp of being great.

Aaryn3 years ago

Heya, I appreciate the well-crafted feedback here and thanks for the support. I'm definitely amateur and sorta just figure this out as I go. When you spend a lot of time googling "how the hell do I do...[whatever]" you're definitely not pro :p

But I do appreciate the pointers here. The "voices" you reference is something that was suggested early on my Blayke, my co-pilot on this. There's two kinda reasons that never really got flushed out much. The first one is I guess I didn't really know how to do it so I had to just stumble across it. It's also something I hear about but never really notice too much in other works as much as people kinda think they use it so I guess I sorta swept it under the rug. In all honesty, the real reason I didn't put much effort into the "voices" is because of the reason I'm writing the story. The characters are sorta different facets of my own acceptance and stuff so essentially it's more psychotically arguing with myself in a fictional world. So it comes across being the same voice because it really is the same voice for the purposes that I'm writing the story. That's also the reason the monologues and dialogue are the way they are. I never really meant to share this thing in the first place, I was writing it just for me but some people on a forum told me to post it so I did.

In terms of the episodic conflict resolution, I agree with you. I'd like to make some things run longer but releasing it the way that I do, turned it into episodes and I kinda like that format. I was also worried about having too many conflicts in a story like this. The public was already very skeptical when I released it and I still get one or two people a year complain there's not enough sex. People have a concept for the "adult" genre and I was worried about going too deep with plots and stuff. I'll also publicly admit that my concentration really sucks (Blayke can back this up). I'm a disaster to keep on topic so writing and organizing the plots in my head is just really freaking hard for me. So rather than bite off way more than I could chew, I elected to try and resolve things somewhat sooner so I wasn't trying to juggle too much. It's easier to juggle that if you're just doing one linear book or story but trying to code multiple paths into that just gets really complex for me when I have no previous writing or coding experience.

Not sure if any of that makes sense or even really justifies my position. Just thought I'd share my logic. I'm still definitely learning and I do appreciate the pointers, some of these may be implemented during the polishing (there's definitely going to be polishing. The beginning of the game sucks).

wumeja3 years ago

I think anyone who writes fiction bases characters on parts of themselves. At least at first. Eventually, the more you get to "know" your characters, the less they are a part of you, and the more it seems as if they're a really close friend that you know. A handy thought-experiment is to consider the character's background and past experiences and how those shape the way they think. For instance, Braden is clearly from a well-to-do family but doesn't want friends who befriend him for his money. This simple attribute opens up many questions which can help define Braden's individuality in addition to serving as plot hooks later on. For example:

What happened in Braden's childhood to cause him to think this way? Is he still affected by it?
Why is he open with Zack about this? Does part of him still wonder if Zack cares about his wealth, especially once he finds out Zack's economic circumstances?
Is this an insecurity? If so, how is he coping with it, or how did he move past it?
How severely does this impact Braden's decision-making? His willingness to trust others? His social mindset?

You did an excellent job with Max, by the way. His character feels the most authentic, because the way he behaves is fully explained by his backstory. There is a harmony between his personality, his motivations and his psyche. Despite being a secondary character, I think many people would agree that after the chapter "Ash", he feels the most life-like of all your characters so far. (This is not a negative thing, since it just means that the other guys haven't had their backgrounds and personalities explored fully yet. Lots of potential here.)

Regarding conflict, I don't think there will ever be a "right answer". As an artist, you must have the conviction to follow your instincts and your vision for what you want out of the final product. Taking community feedback is good, because there are always facets of every work that can objectively be better, but with all creative works, it will be impossible to try to please everybody. In fact, trying to do so is one surefire way to guarantee the final product will be average with no vision.

(If you've ever wondered why so many AAA games feel soulless, it's because they've lost sight of this basic principle. The great games of the past did not need a focus group to tell them which audiences to please or which hot-topic themes to cover. The creators simply made what was best for their vision of the game.)

I hinted at it in my first comment, but I truly think you will have to make a decision at some point how committed you are to the slow-burn nature of your story. If you do commit, you will likely turn away a certain type of audience, but potentially attract a different one. As with all creative projects, it's truly very difficult to gauge audience reception, but if the success of "Our Life: Beginnings & Always" is any indication, there seems to be a certain demand for slow-burn, well-crafted character stories.

Conversely, if you're going after the faster pace nature of most Adult VNs, there's certainly an audience for that as well. I'm sure you've seen the many examples of well-executed ones in this genre.

My opinion is one of many, but I sincerely hope you will carry this project where your vision leads you. Even with the (little) experience you have, you're already creating something that stands out. So it makes sense to trust your instincts as an artist.

Keep up the good work!

itch.io

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