I genuinely don't think I've ever seen a setting that blends cultures and fantasy races/tropes quite like this one -- I'm really looking forward to getting a clearer picture as the story continues. Your interpretation of the typical fantasy dwarf tropes has been interesting so far and I’m hyped to see what you’ve thought up for your interpretation of merfolk!
I was also pleasantly surprised by how different some of the dialogue tree options are — you could see completely different things if you play a certain way, according to a certain personality trait or another.
Okay, I have some constructive feedback to go over as well — I really hope it isn’t overwhelming. I’m going to all this effort writing this up because I like this story so far and I want to be as helpful of a reader as possible, especially in these early, formative stages of the project. If at any point this isn’t feedback you want, please feel free to just delete my comment or block me or something. I spent a long time going through the demo and writing this up with the best of intentions — if anything comes across as rude, that is by no means intentional!
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This is the most important piece of feedback I have, so, while it’s a bit serious, I’m going to put it first: the age gaps. If my comprehension based on context clues is correct, Sir Mansoor is an adult, while the PC is a child. A potential romantic pairing between two individuals aged sixteen and nineteen (if he was assigned at 16, 3 years ago) has a bit of a gross feel to me. It also presents some potential legal issues re: sex, grooming, manipulation. (Same with Zanetta — her age isn’t specified, but to me, she seems closer to thirty or so than sixteen.)
I think it’s worth being careful about this — 16 and 19 isn’t pedophilia, but for people who notice it, that age pairing is still likely to come off poorly regardless of the fantasy setting. I’m not saying you have to make the PC older, but I will say: it doesn’t look like it would affect the plot negatively to have the monarch be ambiguously a young adult of some sort (i.e. 18+) instead of explicitly underage.
If I'm misinterpreting context clues, then I'd respectfully suggest maybe specifying the love interests' ages -- the fact that PC is a child warrants extra transparency, in my opinion.
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Okay! Now with that out of the way, I’ll get into the grammar stuff.
So, this is kind of hard to explain, but there are some intricacies around plurals when specifying people's age that I noticed got switched around some in the demo. You use the phrasing "a sixteen years old" a few times, but this is slightly off -- I've written out a couple of explanations below.
- "I am sixteen years old." / "I was to be coronated at seventeen."
- (The “years old” is implied in casual dialogue, but either way is fine.)
- "I am a sixteen-year-old." / "You're rather intense for a sixteen-year-old kid."
- (When age is specified as a singular noun or adjective, everything is hyphenated and no 's' is needed on the end of “year.”)
Finally, here are some other, smaller things:
- The first sentence of Ch1 was unclear to me — “You remember the….” I just… don’t know what this sentence is talking about. It’s also in a different tense to everything else (present). I think maybe some further setup would help clarify?
- I’m a bit confused about the technology of the setting — they have complex hearing aids and prosthetics but also use typewriters and, seemingly, bladed weapons as a standard? Is this going to be clarified as a magic system thing later or something?
- The phrasing of this sentence in particular took me some labor to understand: “The knight who was assigned to you to act as your bodyguard was still very young, but his water green eyes were already hardened by battle.“
There are a lot of minor mistakes throughout the demo, but it isn’t practical for me to go over everything, especially considering this is an early draft. I gave some corrections for the ones that stuck out to me the most below, but I’d definitely consider hiring an editor down the line if I were you. Your work has good bones and I would love to see it thrive. I'm rooting for your progress!! :)
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Assorted typos and miscellaneous notes:
- “…draping his shoulder”
- Should be “draping over/across/atop/along/etc his shoulder.” You need a preposition there.
- “…rows afer rows of stalactites…”
- Missing letter in “after.” Also, standard phrasing is either “row after row” or “rows upon rows,” but “rows after rows” is not typically used.
- “If I can be blunt”
- Should be “if I may be blunt”
- “the ginger grip of his hand”
- Did you mean “gentle”? Or maybe you were trying to make an adjective out of the adverb “gingerly,” in which case, that's not possible. “Ginger” as an adjective exclusively means “red- or orange-colored.
- “King Pace the Twenty First“
- Should be “twenty-first” or “21st.” If you’re feeling official, “King Pace XXI” is the most correct but least conversational writing.
- “Him or any official will never speak of your presence here.”
- Odd phrasing and grammar. Could say either “He and his officials will never speak of your presence here,” or “Neither he nor any official will speak of your presence here.”
- "My people, who has been..."
- Should be “who have been” — ‘my people’ is plural
- “bring the luggages upstairs"
- “Luggage” is already plural.
- “Candle light”
- “Candlelight” is one word
- “…draping his shoulder”