Oh my god, please don't kill yourself!! I'm glad I managed to help, but I'm not a therapist and I hope you see a professional about this!
I know it's not an easy step, and you've probably heard all that before, but it makes all the difference - I didn't want to either, but after getting treatment, I was pretty much a new person! No more thinking about ending it all, no more hiding in the broom closet at work so nobody sees me burst into tears, no more locking myself in the car and literally screaming until I lose my voice - I promise, it doesn't have to be like this!
You totally weren't asking for advice but reading your comment really worried me