Better... it would help if the characters had a little more rational line of thinking, instead of jumping to the deep end..., also isn't it counter productive for them to reveal their true nature to Blacky??? The sex related parts still feel too rushed to feel natural, there ought to be some restraint, it feels too much like the characters are treated as objects, rather than beings. Everything seems to be said like its an absolute, rather then any form of consideration of another by asking things in a question. Blacky may say he is free, but what if he prefers dinner at another time? Better to ask if said time is ok, and he confirms. Need to keep the plot line less ridged so that it flows more naturally. Its no good for there to be assumptions made out loud, unless it is said that they are assuming. Even if one likes to hit on or be hit on, it does not mean that sex is on the mind at first sight. A bit of backstory... more elaboration would be nice. Abbreviation really not needed unless they are texting. Would be nice to know what food they got, and what drinks, as well as any further casual conversation, again feeling way too fast paced, like sex is all this VN is about. Unless there is some sort of love/mind magic going on, jumping in less than a day with a perfect stranger to being something much more??? That seems very rash! I know the time frame is supposed to be only 3 days... but gosh... Seriously things escalating out of control in no time for no good reason, no build up, no flow... Also new character has a marking, but its different... there is so much skipped or unexplained...
I can't really tell you what to do, this is your work, but it feels like you should make the base/gist/important content for the three days, then go back and add in details, so that it doesn't feel so forced and so childish.