Hi! I do have some feedback if you're interested, let's start with the good stuff first.
THE GOODS:
- Your art is AMAZING. I saw snippets of your stream and it's clear you tried your best to make everything cohesive and it shows. Not once did I say "oh, this was clearly taken from another website". Well done!
- Whenever you narrate, it's done really well. The first bit for example, really nails down the feelings of confusion and thirst that I would imagine a neonate having.
- You give me a lot of stuff to work with, and it makes me wanna go again and take different decisions. High replayability potential.
- I did feel confused and angry when I saw how most people were treating me, which I guess was what you were looking for. Great immersion on that front!
- The best moments for me were the bizarre questions you asked about the universe. Why is this drag queen just content with letting me feed? Is this some kinky bar stuff, is this how Tamara inducts her childer? I just would've like to know more about it.
THE ?s:
- Some of the transitions between scenes were a little rushed, leaving me asking a lot of questions... was I threatening that woman at the apartment? was she threatening me? When the hell did I arrive back with Tamara? Something as simple as "Tamara doesn't seem like the waiting kind. As you leave the poor woman lying on the floor, you start making your way back to her" would have helped me get the flow a lot more.
- I never understood the purpose of Disciplines and Humanity (you have mentioned humanity is not working correctly), because it didn't give me much choice... I just had them. I would've liked to pick my stuff and adventure the way I wanted to. I'm not sad I threw my toxic blood at the dude's face, I'm sad I wasn't given the option to grab that power specifically. I get this would've taken more work, I just would've liked more choice in the matter.
THE "ROOM POR IMPROVEMENT":
- Typos! typos and grammar misuse were extremely distracting. I would get really gripped into the story and then see something that I had to read twice to understand and it really took me out. I think you can fix those still, as they technically don't count as additional content! I even found a couple "unds" in there XD
- The writing could use a little rhythm... you barely gave me any time to slow down and catch my breath! I would suggest splitting your sentences up a little more, give more pauses and use less commas; give me a window with only one sentence, so I can think about it and take it all in. As your game lacks movement, most of your actions have to be felt through text alone.
- My character is too blank... I barely know how he's reacting to these events. I think you were trying to go for the silent protagonist approach, which is fine, but then more of the emotions have to be relayed through the narration. I want to know more about those photos. I want to know if I had kids. I get that I'm immortal now, but I can't just detach from everything in one night, right? I want to know more about myself.
- Some of the writing is too on the nose... again, this goes with the whole pacing thing. When I encounter the Ghoul, she just tells me immediately what she is // what she needs // how she works. So a sentence like "I'm a ghoul. I need vampire blood. Please give me vampire blood." would read better if you give me space to question her, and we could work together towards understanding what we are. Is she sassy? does she hate her master? does she pity me? Even something as simple as me drinking her blood instead could be made more interesting with something like "right before she closes her eyes and gives in to your embrace, you feel a sharp pain in your groin. This bitch tried to kick you in the nuts." That would at least tell me a little about her personality.
All around, I would call this a very enjoyable experience! Sorry if I rambled for too long. I just wish some of the questions you asked were explored a bit more, and others a bit less. Thank you for listening!