I...thought I would hate this. I thought my skin would crawl. I'm an early 40's transfemme demi mess, I've been out like, I dunno, 3 years? 4? I don't know if I lost count for good or for ill.
Normally I don't...want to subject myself to the hookup narrative, it's so antithetical to who I finally figured out I am. I find it so hard to bear feeling like someone who doesn't the mold of what we're supposed to be like.
I'm fat, I hope desperately to pass for a woman but it's not just a struggle, it's a Sisyphean hell. Which some days I wish I could just not give a fuck about. You put together two characters more beautiful than I'll ever be, in ways I can never imagine and speaking words I don't think I could ever say.
I'm starting a business, I'm leaving behind 18 years with a firm who's like family because it's winding down. I'm feeling stripped naked in front of banks, landlords, showing off business plans, receivables, projections, and feeling afraid and judged and so at the mercy of forces utterly beyond my control yet silently judging the entirety of my life up until now.
And I am fucking flat out sobbing at this. I am bawling my eyes out. I am uglycrying, there is snot pouring from my nose.
I don't know how you did this, but, you packed up every scrap of vulnerability, fear, self consciousness, need, repression, isolation, joy, sadness, connectedness, every conflicted confusing conflated emotion I've had about being queer, about existing, ever, and put it into this.
So kudos, congrats, anything else I can say feels cheap at this point. You reached through the internet and took a scalpel to the scar tissue of my soul and even if I never play this again, I will never forget it.
Thank you.